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Tom is applying for a job as a
signalman for the local railroad ...
...and is told to meet the inspector at
the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking:
"What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards
each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to
another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the
inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and
use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by
lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up
here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to
the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I
would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he
asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train
crash."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration . . .
. . ., and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put his flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're going to lose an engine on takeoff."
Submitted by Dave, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 28
"John Kerry said he's still considering a
White House run in 2008 and he insisted his botched joke will not
undermine his campaign -- his botched personality might." --Jay Leno
"Amid this environment of treachery, the president visited one of his
last bastions of support, the Baltic states, whose love for America
clearly indicates we're better than Stalinist Russia." --Jon Stewart
"When President Bush landed in Indonesia, tens of thousands of people
lined the streets screaming anti-American slogans and attacking his
presidency. Bush said he felt like he was at the Academy Awards." --Jay
Leno
"President Bush stopped in Estonia to thank them for their help in Iraq.
... Remember the old days when our allies were countries like Italy,
Spain, Germany. Now we're down to like Estonia, Latvia. Yes, the United
States and Lichtenstein stand together!" --Jay Leno
"First Daughter Barbara Bush had her purse stolen. Somebody snatches her
purse. What was in that purse, her father's plan for Iraq. Now we have
to start all over again. A lot of people wondering if President Bush
will be mad at his daughter for losing her purse. Hey, he lost the House
and Senate." --Jay Leno
"Henry Kissinger says the war in Iraq is un-winnable. And if anybody
knows how not to win a war its Henry Kissinger." --Jay Leno
"The president's twin daughters are celebrating their 25th birthday with
a trip to Argentina. Apparently their trip has caused what's known as
chaos, to the point where, according to ABCNews.com, the American
embassy and many Argentinian officials have strongly suggested the twins
return to America. Just to repeat, Argentina, former safe-haven for Nazi
war criminals, is drawing the line at the Bush twins." --Jon Stewart
Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A young executive was leaving the
office at 6pm when he found the CEO ...
... standing in front of a shredder with a
piece of paper in hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is
important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as
his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Yep, this one is also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A customer at Morris' Grocery marveled
at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Morris, what makes you so
smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just
anyone," Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't
hear, "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on
it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer
asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.
The customer buys three. A week later,
he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting
and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough," says Morris.
The customer goes home with 20 more
fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when
I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me
off!"
"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter
already."
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Submitted by Bill,
Ardmore, Pa.
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Dec 4th Humor Page
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