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Ways the Bible Would Be Different
if Written by College Students...
- Last Supper would have been eaten the next
morning - cold.
- The Ten Commandments are actually only five,
double-spaced, and written in a large font.
- New edition every two years in order to limit
reselling.
- Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because
it wasn't cafeteria food.
- Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's
e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
- Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
- The place where the end of the world occurs:
Finals, not Armageddon.
- Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
- Reason why Moses and followers walked in
desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like
freshmen.
- Instead of God creating the world in six days
and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night
before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire,
England
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A blonde went to a flight school,
insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day.
As all the planes were currently in
use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter
solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and
sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love
it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to
fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning
to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a
mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was
going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.
"I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
Submitted by Ray, King of Prussia,
Pa.
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Never let it be said that ground
crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked
with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.
By the way Qantas is the only major airline that
has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs
replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to
stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Submitted by Eleanor, San
Francisco, Calif
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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 22
"A congressman from Florida, 52-year-old
Mark Foley, resigned today because of questionable e-mails he wrote to a
former male page. The page was 16-years-old at the time. Out of force of
habit, the Catholic Church offered to move him to another parish." --Jay
Leno
"In a recent interview, Oprah Winfrey said she wants Senator Barack
Obama to be the next president. When Oprah heard that Obama doesn't want
to be president, she parted the clouds and said, 'Oprah has spoken'."
--Conan O'Brien
"In an interview with Mike Wallace about his new book, legendary
Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward said that Henry Kissinger is now
advising President Bush on Iraq, and they're trying to fight the Vietnam
War all over again. Hey, why not? Bush missed it the first time." --Jay
Leno
"President Bush on Tuesday dismissed the finger-pointing criticism from
Bill Clinton that the Bush administration had not been vigorous enough
in going after Osama bin Laden, adding, 'We'll let history judge.' Oh,
it has. It's in this book [on screen: The 9/11 Commission Report]. You
commissioned it." --Seth Meyers
"In wake of the George Allen controversy, Virginia Democratic Senate
challenger Jim Webb declined to say on Tuesday whether he ever used the
'N' word. But it did not help his case when he asked, 'Does it count if
it was in Scrabble?'." --Seth Meyers
"Al Gore told the United Nations that cigarette smoking is a significant
contributor to global warming. To be fair, you have to blame us, the
non-smokers. We're the ones that made them go outside, right?." --Jay
Leno
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire,
England
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Basket Girl ...
Download Video
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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And you thought
your job was hazardous! Take 2
Submitted by Lindsay,
Melbourne, Australia
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Oct 11 Humor Page
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