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An American walks into a Pub in Dublin.
At the bar are seated two older men who
appear as if they had been there all day. The American orders a pint for
himself and for the two men. After the beer arrives, the American
strikes up a conversation with the two men. He asks them where they
work, they reply "at the brewery" that's great! the American says. You
make good beer. Then the American asks, how many people work there?
The two Irishmen look at each other,
shrug their shoulders and answer... "about a third"
Submitted by Ted, Emmitsburg, Md.
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A customer at Green's Gourmet
Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone,"
Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But
since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish
heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $5 each," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back
in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he
isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The
customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back
and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish
heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping
me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Answers teachers can't help but laugh
at...
- Teacher: Maria, go to the map
and find north America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria.
- Teacher: John, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.
- Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
Glenn: K-r-o-k-o-d-i-a-l"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
- Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula
for water?
Donald: h I j k l m n o. Teacher:
What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
- Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we
have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!
- Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so
dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
- Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting
with "I."
Millie: I is...
Teacher: No, Millie..... always say, "I am."
Millie: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
- Teacher: George Washington not only chopped
down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do
you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louis: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
- Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you
say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
- Teacher: Clyde, your composition on "my dog"
is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
- Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person
who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Harold: A
teacher
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A blonde finds
herself in serious trouble ...
Her business has gone bust and he's in
dire financial straits. She's desperate and she decides to ask God for
help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my Business
and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else
wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me
win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my
car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, She prays, "God, why
haven't You listened to me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.
My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have
always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this
one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of
light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God
Himself... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."
Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
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My Cubical ...
Download Video
Submitted by Dick,
Williamsport, Md.
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Cat's Know the difference ...
Submitted by Audrey,
Emmitsburg, Md.
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