"This weekend it's going to be all programming to commemorate the fifth anniversary of 9/11. All the networks are getting into it. CBS is showing their 9/11 documentary. And ABC has their 'Path to 9/11' docudrama. And, of course, Fox is going with Ryan Seacrest's 'Rockin 9/11 Countdown.'." --Bill Maher

"Democratic leaders in the U.S. Senate have sent a letter to ABC asking them to cancel this big 9/11 docudrama they have coming on this weekend. They call it, 'inaccurate, partisan and right-wing propaganda,' where as Fox calls it 'news.' In the movie, they claim that while he was president, Bill Clinton couldn't concentrate on fighting al Qaeda because the Monica Lewinsky scandal was such a distraction. A distraction? She was under the desk. The papers were on top of the desk. He could see everything." --Jay Leno

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's is in trouble because he said Cubans and Puerto Ricans are hot-blooded. Arnold said, 'Sorry, when I made those comments, I assumed no one would understand what I was saying'." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's new position on torture is, 'We don't do it. We've never done it. And we're going to stop doing it.'." --Jay Leno

"In an interview on 'Nightline' the other night, Hillary Clinton says she has to face what she calls the 'Goldilocks' theory of politics, where she's too liberal for some, too moderate for others, and never just right. If there's anybody who can identify with the Goldilocks story, it's Hillary Clinton. I mean, how many times has she come home and found someone sleeping in her bed?." --Jay Leno

"During a speech earlier today, President Bush said that he will continue to fight terror by 'using all the tools available.' Then the president introduced Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld as the biggest tool of all." --Conan O'Brien

"Former officials from the Clinton administration are upset at our network, ABC, because of the miniseries 'The Path to 9/11. They say the movie paints Clinton as soft on terrorism. Which by the way, if he was soft on terrorism, that was the only thing he was soft on." --Jimmy Kimmel

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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I'm just a farmer, plain and simple.
Not of royal birth, but rather a worker of the earth.
I know not of riches, but rather of patches on my britches

I'm just a farmer, plain and simple.
I know of drought and rain, of pleasure and pain.
I know the good, the bad, the happy and the sad.

I'm a man of emotions.
A man who loves this land and the beauty of its sand.
I'm just a farmer, plain and simple.

I know the spring's fresh flow and autumn's golden glow.
Of a new born calf's hesitation and an eagle's destination.
I'm just a farmer, plain and simple.

I know of tall pines and long waiting lines.
I know the warmth of campfires and the agony of flat tires.
I'm just a farmer, plain and simple.

I'm a man who loves his job
And the life that I live.
I'm just a farmer, plain and simple

And I'm a reaper of harvest.
I'm the sower of seeds and I'm the tender of stock.
I'm just a farmer, plain and simple.

I know of planting corn and bailing hay and animals going astray.
I live in a complex world, but my faith guides me.
I'm just a farmer, plain and simple.

I am a man who works with God. I cannot succeed without his help.
For you see, I'm just a farmer, plain and simple.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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• On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission".
• On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
• Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
• At a Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner."
• On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
• On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."
• In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
• On Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
• Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
• In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
• On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
• In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
• In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
• On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
• On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak."
• At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
• At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
• At an Optometrist's Office : "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
• At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
• Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary We hear you coming."
• At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you sent in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
• In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
• In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
• At a Propane Filling Station : "Thank heaven for little grills."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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Sept 15th Humor Page