... they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said,

"If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
• Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
• How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
• How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
• Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
• If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
• What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
• I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called the Wedding Cake.
• Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Florida
 

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The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,? That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' (ready) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

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..., "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."  The barber began to lather his face while a most beautiful and desirable woman knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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..., upgrading all my software, installing fire-walls, being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider, and a host of other problems...  I have fixed my computer... and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!

Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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April 18th Humor Page