Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes.

Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!"

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!"

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "YOU'RE lost?!"

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS! Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

• It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day
• If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
• I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
• I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
• I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
• I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
• I'm So Miserable without you....... It's like You're Still Here
• I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few
• My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him
• She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger

And the number 1 Country Song is:

• If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Gettin' Out Of Prison About Now

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crazies ...

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John.

Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we peed our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB/GYN says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar . Calm down and push. "Just one more good push" (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, Including the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.

Men think women are the "weaker sex?" 

Yeah..... right..... Bite me.

• Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's down, put it up.
• If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
• Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
• Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
• Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
• Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. really.
• You have enough clothes.
• You have too many shoes.
• Crying is blackmail.
• Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
• No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
• Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
• Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
• Check your oil.
• It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
• All comments become null and void after 7 days.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
• You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
• Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
• If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.