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| A man arrives at the theater to see the latest production... ... only to learn that it
is completely sold out. He finds an usher and pleads with him,
"You must help me, I am a HUGE theater fan. I've been to every opening night performance at this theater for twenty years. I can't bear to miss this play, is
there any possible way you can find me a seat?"
The usher says he'll see what he can do.
A few minutes later the usher returns and tells the man he has found him a vacant seat. He leads him inside the theater to be seated.
A few moments later the man is waving for the usher again.
He whispers to the usher, "This play is a mystery, and I love mysteries. But I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a
handsome tip."
The usher manages once again to find the man a seat, this time in the second row. As he seats him, the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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| Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities... ... that
do not require physical exercise.
- Beating around the bush - 75
- Jumping to conclusions - 100
- Climbing the walls - 150
- Swallowing your pride - 50
- Passing the buck - 25
- Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300
- Dragging your heels - 100
- Pushing your luck - 250
- Making mountains out of molehills - 500
- Hitting the nail on the head - 50
- Wading through paperwork - 300
- Bending over backwards - 75
- Jumping on the bandwagon - 200
- Balancing the books - 25
- Running around in circles - 350
- Eating crow - 225
- Tooting your own horn - 25
- Climbing the ladder of success - 750
- Pulling out the stops - 75
- Adding fuel to the fire --160
- Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
- Opening a can of worms - 50
- Putting your foot in your mouth - 300
- Starting the ball rolling - 90
- Going over the edge - 25
- Picking up the pieces after - 350
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A motorway walks into a pub one day.
He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.
The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you
hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
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I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday.
First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that you're giving me my full-fledged
pilot's license. You should watch that fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.
The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed. But on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and visibility, and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me from
another exciting experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a town about two
hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charcoaled steaks and the greatest martinis.
On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about the weather but I assured him once again about the
steaks and martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.
When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were only a few snow flakes. I checked the weather and I
was assured that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator I found out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You could imagine my
disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line boy suggested that I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly. I think that he called
it a Aztec C, also made by Piper. It didn't have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.
We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get the airplane manual just to find out how to start an
airplane. That's ridiculous. I never saw so many dials and needles and knobs, handles and switches. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this
in the J-4 Cub. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they said it was all right
to go direct via Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot credit. They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has problems with red tape.
The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the way the book style says it should be done. The tower operator told me to contact Department Control Radar but that
seemed kind of silly since I knew where I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made such
a racket that I just turned off the radio.
You'd think that those professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and,
since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a
waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains all around us, but everybody has to be
disappointed sometime and we pilots have to make the best of it, now don't we?
It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls
quite easily for a pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while but these phenomenon sometimes
occur I am told. I don't expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny and
I asked my neighbor to look but he just kept staring ahead with sort of a glassy look in his
eyes and I figured that he was afraid of height like all non-pilots are. By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time.
Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we were going, since I had worked it out on the computer. I am a whiz at that computer, but something must have gone wrong with
it since when I came down to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except mountains. These weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions with a ceiling of
about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business except yourself, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolt of lightning. I decided that my
neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the way it seemed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to wake him up.
Anyway, just then an emergency occurred because the engine quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired
up the other engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two engines is really a safety factor. If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should
have two engines. You might look into this.
As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep
because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice on the
windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than driving.
To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It
was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome. Somebody had told me that
you could always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought to be straightened
out by somebody and I would like to complain, as a taxpayer.
Evidently they were expecting somebody to come in and land because they kept talking about some damn stupid son-of-a-***** up in that fog. I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be
out of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some
General with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up
there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking problem.
Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake.
Poor fellow, he must have the flu, or something. Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new license airmail, special delivery.
Very truly yours,
LP
Also submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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Mood buttons you can't wear to work - Take 2
 
 
 
 
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL
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Nov 30th Humor Page
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