• Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
• Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
• Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
• Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
• Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
• Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
• Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
• Bank: "Excuse me?"
• Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
• Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
• Supervisor gets on the phone:
• Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
• Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
• Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
• Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
• Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
• Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
• Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
• After they get the fax:
• Bank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
• Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
• Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
• Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
• Bank: "That might help."
• Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
• Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
• Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

"What d'you reckon?" one asks the other.

"Yeah, well, it probably can't hurt, 'n it's a hot day an all, a dip in the river sounds good." So he goes on down and is soon being immersed.

As he comes up the preacher says, "Hallelujah! Have you found Jesus!?"

"No", replies the REdneck, so he's dunked again.

"Have you found Jesus now?" asks the reverend excitedly.

"Nope, not yet," replies the guy, and a third time he goes down.

This time he's under the water for quite a while, and when his head bobs up the same question is asked. "Well, have you found him this time?"

"No, I haven't. Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools , and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!"