Humor Selections for April 23rd, 2008
     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List
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Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together...

... it was the husband who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his wife, "Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him, "OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.
 

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 67

"The death Saturday of actor Charlton Heston has elicited tributes from many corners, including Nancy Reagan, who called him an American hero, President Bush who described him as an advocate for liberty, and apes, who called him Public Enemy Number One." --Seth Meyers

"A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a list of horribles, things he believed could go wrong, which the Bush administration apparently mistook for a to-do list." --Amy Poehler

"More bad news for the Detroit Tigers, they lost again last night. ... After winning the night before, they're now one and eight. Yeah. They won one, lost eight. Or, as Hillary Clinton calls that, first place." --Jay Leno

"According to his tax return last year, Vice President Cheney donated $166,000 to charity. ... Yeah, most of the money went to Cheney's favorite holiday charity, Coal for Tots." --Conan O'Brien

"You know they had hearings this week, about Iraq, ... with General Petraeus, and John McCain had another senior moment, where he couldn't remember who the Sunnis are, the Shiites. I'm beginning to worry about this guy. They asked him afterwards if this would affect his presidential campaign, and he said, 'I'm running for President?'" --Bill Maher

"Hey, did you see that a fire burned down Hillary Clinton's campaign office in Terre Haute, Indiana? You know, I knew Hillary's campaign was facing financial trouble. When you're burning the building down for the insurance money, that's not a good sign. Hillary was very upset by the fire. Luckily, she says she was glad she was able to run into the burning building, save six children, then go back and rescue three puppies. So that worked out." --Jay Leno

"All three presidential candidates this week went on American Idol. Did they really think the same people who are interested in a superficial, poorly-run popularity contest are also interested in American Idol?" --Bill Maher

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good but...

...never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

  • When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on mountain dew.
  • When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
  • When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
  • When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
  • When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.
  • When you are confused -- I will use little words.
  • When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well Again. I don't want whatever the hell you have.
  • When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
  • This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.
Submitted by Ashley, Emmitsburg, Pa.
 

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If you think taxing marriage will reduce child abuse, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you plan to pay for new programs with revenues from the oil and gas boom but hammer oil and gas companies with higher taxes and ridiculous regulations, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you believe illegal aliens should get a break on college tuition but decorated veterans should not, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you believe it's OK to require a photo ID to buy beer or cigarettes but not to vote, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you believe businessmen and women are motivated by greed but labor union bosses are not, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you think making someone pay higher taxes is a "freeze," you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you believe trial lawyers want to sue for more money to help their clients, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you think there's really a difference between a tax and a fee, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you really believe in governmental efficiency or bureaucratic flexibility, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you believe an unemployed trial lawyer is a bad thing, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you think freedom of religion doesn't apply to churches, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you believe good education comes from relaxing academic standards but getting tough on soft drink sales, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you think we should raise taxes on working families to hire more college professors, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you worry more about the cost of keeping criminals behind bars than the cost of putting them back on the streets, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
  • If you think its wrong for government to legislate morality - except when it pays for that legislation with other people's money, you must be a Colorado Democrat.
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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Lost in translation ...

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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