• Lightning never strikes the same place twice. True. The second time the place just aint the same anymore.
• It's an ill wind that blows no one some good. True. It blows a doctor, he can charge for fixing it.
• There's no fool like an old fool. True. They've practiced all their life.
• There's many a slip 'tween the cup and the lip. True. They're called breathalyzers.
• When one door closes another door opens. True. In China.
• An apple a day keeps the doctor away. True. If they're very green, he's away all day.
• Don't count your chickens till they've hatched. True. Then find out what they've hatched.
• Necessity is the mother of invention. True. And it's father's called Gripe.
• Never look a gift horse in the mouth. True. It might have halitosis.
• A stitch in time saves nine. True. For anything else, buy a new one.
• You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. True. Especially if it's into philosophy.
• You cannot judge a person by the company they keep. True. Anything else is good.

• Socks are only for bowling.
• You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.
• A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
• Your winter coat is made of denim.
• You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
• You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
• Anything under 70 is chilly.
• You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.
• You could swim before you could read.
• You have to drive north to get to The South.
• You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
• Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.
• You've gotten out of school early on Halloween to trick or treat before it got dark
• You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
• You dread love bug season.
• You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances...but Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne.
• You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave.
• You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.
• You were 12 before you ever saw snow, or you still haven't.
• Down South' means Key West
• You think New York drivers licenses should only be valid in New York .
• Flip-flops are everyday wear.
• Shoes are for business meetings and church, but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.
• Sweet tea can be served at any meal.
• An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.
• You smirk when a game show's 'Grand Prize' is a trip or cruise to Florida
• You measure distance in minutes.
• You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
• You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
• A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
• You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.
• You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer
• It's not soda, cola, or pop, it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor: 'What kinda coke you want?'
• Anything under 95 is just warm.
• You've hosted a hurricane party.
• You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.
• ( Space Mountain during the Electric Light Parade!)
• You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.
• You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, Ichnatucknee and Withlacoochee
• You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat than to own a boat yourself.
• Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, NASCAR, Go Gators, and a confederate flag.
• You were five before you realized they made houses without pools.
• You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
• You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
• You recognize Miami-Dade as ' Northern Cuba '.

"Have you ever noticed Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneris

"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." - Billiam Coronel

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner