As the computer boots up: "I knew you'd been downloading porn."

"What?"

"Well, it starts off with an ad or something for motherboards. So I know what you've been into."

After answering the doorbell one Saturday afternoon, then screaming, running into the family room with angry eyes, clad in an old pink chenille dressing gown: "You go. It's the police… they want…"

"What do they want?"

"I don't know. They're from the blasted fashion division."

Having spent many hours planning the seating for an important dinner, the stress of two late acceptances was volcanic. After staring at the plan, then out the window at length, a maniacal grin appeared, all the place names were gathered together, then thrown high in the air. "Let the cards fall where they will." Problem solved.

When asked by a friend to pay $100 each for tickets to a charity ball, her reply? "Sorry, no can do. These days we're living on the smell of an oily shoe-string."

Visiting again, six months after having given a clothes dryer to his mother for her birthday, our eldest says: "How's the clothes dryer going?"

"OH, I haven't used it yet."

"Why not?"

"I'm saving it for a rainy day."

"But it's raining today, and you've just put the washing on the line."

"The rainy day I'm talking about is when I can't get out to the line. But thanks for thinking of my old age." (Her 70th was next week)

She applied for a position as a counselor at a major school. When she returned from the interview, I asked "Well, did you get it?"

"Yeah, I reckon so. Counseled the principal for 45 minutes, gave her a bill for $90, and she paid. She's that dumb. The kids won't be as easy."

After several hours of spontaneous observations, all to the point and mostly acidic, I said "Living with you is better than going to the comedy festival."

She colored slightly, then replied "I knew you'd married me for my levity."

That was not the only thing, of course.

Except:

• How to cook.
• How to clean.
• How to manage money.
• How to wipe up spilled water.
• How to drive.
• How to write a check.
• How to answer a phone.
• How to do math’s.
• How to be polite.
• How gas is paid for.
• How cell phone bills are paid.
• How to work the can opener.
• How to sweep, dust or vacuum. How to make a bed.
• How to do laundry.
• How dictatorships work.
• How to stop talking.
• How to get a job.
• How important it is to finish high school.
• How the world actually works.

She can text. And she can argue. What else does she *possibly* need to know in life??

I’d like to trade her in. For a puppy.

• As previously hinted, Air Gigantica is forced to add extra fees to their flights—to wit:
• Stewardess run through of the safety items now costs $5.
• Charge to bring the aircraft to the gate is $10
• Towing charge to put the aircraft from the gate to the tarmac is $15.
• If they call you to come to the ticket counter, it’s $5.
• Cancellation of the flight due to plane breakdown is $20.
• Refund of your ticket is now $50, plus the loss of your luggage.
• The luggage search, after they lost it is $30. If they find it it’s is an additional $75.
• The cost of putting flight information on the board now costs you $10.
• Ticket taker fee is $5.
• The stewardess has to lock up the overhead, so it’s $10 a row.
• Any announcements from the captain now costs a $10 "expert" fee.
• Weather forecasts from your destination now cost $2.
• Don’t forget the departure charges to help you off the plane--$20.
• Extra charges for the aged or young costs an additional $7.
• A charge to do business in your city now costs you $50, plus endless advertising piped over the sound system.
• Stewardesses now charge passengers for uniform cleaning--$20 each.
• Extra waiting in line before the plane is authorized to take off costs $1 a minute.
• Also, waiting after landing to be authorized to come to the gate costs you $2.
• If they catch you with your cell phone on during the flight, it’s $5. If you use it, it’s a $40 cellphone charge.
• Price to turn on your reading light is $3, to get air it’s $4.
• The barf bags now costs $7—filled--$20.

• Q: What is one horsepower? A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
• You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
• When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
• When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
• Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
• A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
• Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.
• Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
• We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
• I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
• Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
• Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
• It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.

A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."