"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

The veterinarian explained that there was nothing seriously wrong with the clown’s pet dog, and that it simply needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch with him."

This news saddened the clown immensely. "I can’t play fetch with my dog!" said the clown, holding back tears.

"Why not?" asked the doctor.

The clown replied, "Don’t be silly! He can’t throw!"

Dress Code:

• You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
• If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
• If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
• If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

• Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
• Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
• Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

• Movies are too realistic now, they look the same as your neighborhood outside.
• Twenty dollars per person, and that’s just the price for popcorn.
• Cellular phone use is up in the auditoriums, everyone is calling home say, "I can’t believe how bad this is!"
• The commercials before the picture take more time as the picture does.
• The lobbies used to be spotless and clean. Today, you trip over all of the vending machines outside selling previous best seller stinkers that Blockbuster cannot get rid of.
• The horror pictures are so gross, that there is a special vomit crew at each exit.
• Cary Grant, Spencer Tracy and Bette Davis have been dead for almost thirty years.
• Loose morals, drug use, stabbings, extreme sex and violence. And that is just the street thugs sitting in front of you are doing throughout the picture.
• They still won’t let you get your money back even when the film is run backwards in error. Then, it’s called an ‘art picture’.
• One film was run with the reels out of order, and nobody noticed—even the projectionist and the owners of the theater. In fact the makers of the film thought that it played better that way--so they kept it that way. It still lost money.