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| A writer died, and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the hereafter... ..., she was to be allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being very shrewd for a dead person, she
asked St. Peter for a tour of both.
The first stop was hell, where she saw rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. Your typical hell scene.
"Wow, this is awful," said the writer., appalled "Let's see some heaven."
In a moment, they were whisked to heaven and the writer saw rows and rows of writers chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. It looked and smelled even worse than hell.
"What gives, Pete?" the writer asked. "This is worse than hell!"
"Yes," St. Peter replied, "but here your work gets published."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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You Know You're Growing Older When
- Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.
- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
- You feel like you really hung one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
- You get winded playing chess.
- Your children begin to look middle-aged.
- You join a health club and don't go.
- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
- Dialing long distance wears you out.
Submitted by Wink, Yonkers, NY.
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| A policeman pulled over a car over and told the driver him that because... ... he had been wearing his seat belt he had just won $500, in an Arrive Alive safety competition. The driver could hardly believe his luck.
"What are you going to do with your cash?" asked the cop
"Well I guess I'm going to get a drivers license," answered the driver.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled his friend in the passenger seat. "He tries to be smart when he's drunk."
This woke up Rodger in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
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Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?"
To which accountant number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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| Jeep commercial ... Download Video Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Jan 30th Humor Page
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