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| Oscar, a German from North Dakota was an older, single gentleman... ... who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
Now, all of Oscarís neighborsí were Catholic and since it was Lent, they were prohibited from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that
they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Oscar, and suggested that Oscar convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Oscar attended Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over Oscar he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."
Oscar's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Oscar's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Oscar, he stopped in amazement and watched.
There stood Oscar, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye."
Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
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Trivia Part 4
- A law passed in Nebraska in 1912 really set down some hard rules of the road. Drivers in the country at night were required to stop every 150 yards, send up a skyrocket, then wait eight minutes for the road to clear before proceeding cautiously, all the while blowing their horn and shooting off
flares.
- Crocodiles and alligators are surprisingly fast on land. Although they are rapid, they are not agile; so if you ever find yourself chased by one, run in a zigzag line. You'll lose him or her every time.
- In 1500 B.C. in Egypt a shaved head was considered the ultimate in feminine beauty. Egyptian women removed every hair from their heads with special gold tweezers and polished their scalps to a high sheen with buffing cloths.
- In ancient China and certain parts of India, mouse meat was considered a great delicacy.
- In ancient Greece, where the mouse was sacred to Apollo, mice were sometimes devoured by temple priests.
- In 1400 B.C. it was the fashion among rich Egyptian women to place a large cone of scented grease on top of their heads and keep it there all day. As the day wore on, the grease melted and dripped down over their bodies, covering their skin with an oily, glistening sheen and bathing their clothes in fragrance.
- In the United States, a pound of potato chips cost two hundred times more than a pound of potatoes.
- Half the foods eaten throughout the world today were developed by farmers in the Andes Mountains. Potatoes, maize, sweet potatoes, squash, all varieties of beans, peanuts, manioc, papayas, strawberries, mulberries and many other foods were first grown in this region.
- Blue whales weigh as much as 30 elephants and are as long as three Greyhound buses.
- According to tests made at the Institute for the Study of Animal Problems in Washington, D.C., dogs and cats, like people, are either right-handed or left-handed--that is, they favor either their right or left paws.
- A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva.
- According to acupuncturists, there is a point on the head that you can press to control your appetite. It is located in the hollow just in front of the flap of the ear.
- Tibetans, Mongolians, and people in parts of western China put salt in their tea instead of sugar.
- In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary named Jannene Swift officially married a 50-pound rock. The ceremony was witnessed by more than 20 people.
- In the early 19th century the words "trousers" and "pants" were considered obscene in England.
- There is approximately one chicken for every human being in the world.
- The first automobile race ever seen in the United States was held in Chicago in 1895. The track ran from Chicago to Evanston, Illinois. The winner was J. Frank Duryea, whose average speed was 7 miles per hour.
- In the memoirs of Catherine II of Russia, it is recorded that any Russian aristocrat who displeased the queen was forced to squat in the great antechamber of the palace and to remain in that position for several days, mewing like a cat, clucking like a hen, and pecking his food from the floor.
- The outdoor temperature can be estimated to within several degrees by timing the chirps of a cricket. It is done this way: count the number of chirps in a 15-second period, and add 37 to the total. The result will be very close to the actual Fahrenheit temperature. This formula only works in warm weather.
- During a severe windstorm or rainstorm the Empire State Building may sway several feet to either side.
- In Elizabethan England the spoon was such a novelty, such a prized rarity, that people carried their own folding spoons to banquets.
- In "Gulliver's Travels," Jonathan Swift described the two moons of Mars, Phobos and Deimos, giving their exact size and speeds of rotation. He did this more than 100 years before either moon was discovered.
- It costs more to buy a new car today in the United States than it cost Christopher Columbus to equip and undertake three voyages to and from the New World.
- One-fourth of the world's population lives on less than $200 a year. Ninety million people survive on less than $75 a year.
- Butterflies taste with their hind feet.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Have an eating disorder? Here's how to tell:
- Alpo looks good when you serve the dog.
- You cannot tell the difference between "Star-Kist" Tuna and "Nine Lives".
- You finish your dinner before you get it to the table.
- You find yourself searching through the neighbor's garbage can to see what he had for dinner yesterday.
- You watch over ten cooking shows in one afternoon.
- You have sent love poems to Rachael Ray.
- The local buffet quickly locks their doors when it sees you at the entrance.
- When you sit down, you need two chairs.
- You go to all of the pancake breakfasts and church spaghetti dinners within a 50 mile radius, just to get "all you can eat".
- You have outgrown your car five times in the past five years.
Submitted by Bruce,, Cold Harbor, Ill.
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All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From A Cow.
- Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
- Don't cry over spilled milk.
- When chewing your cud, remember, there is no fat, no calories, no cholesterol and no taste!
- The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
- Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
- Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's worth!
- It's better to be seen and not herd.
- Honour thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
- Never take any bull from anybody.
- Always let them know who's bossy!
- Stepping on cow pies brings good luck.
- Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
- Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| The Children's Bible in a Nutshell In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revoluti.
Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed.
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| How ugly girls get to dance ... Download Video Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Pa
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Failing tests with dignity:
Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Pa |
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Feb 25th Humor Page
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