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An airplane is coming to land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility...
... is practically nil, the radar system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.
"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."
The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway.
"Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too...
Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.
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Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing?
You told me he was really something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel...
... and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night...
... intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.
He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Texas Beer Joint Sues Church In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.
In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about the power of prayer, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of
his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means".
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and
an entire church congregation that now does not."
Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City
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| Man Built a Sanctuary for Homeless Cats
Craig Grant bought a tree farm far away from the city and turned it into a sanctuary for all the cats he has rescued. He lives there with the cats and provides lots of love, care and companionship. It’s hard to imagine that once he was not a cat lover and did
not want cats until he met his son’s cat Pepper. He also got to experience what it is like raising a litter of kittens.
"Over that time I learned that every cat had its own unique personality and it wasn’t long before the kittens were swinging from my curtains.
I didn’t care. Something had changed… I didn’t want to give them up."
The condo life was not easy for the kitties, so Craig found a tree farm and settled down there for his fur babies. Over the next several months, he rescued more and more homeless and abandoned cats. The number of new residents kept going up, so Craig
expanded the sanctuary to make more room for the animals.
The farm was named Caboodle Ranch and is now a permanent home for all the homeless, rescued cats. Each of them has a sad story of their past, but now they are living in heaven.
"Cats should be able to roam free, and at Caboodle Ranch, that’s what they do."
Craig has built many beautiful cat houses and decorated the place with vibrant colors and tons of liveliness.
All the cats are spayed and neutered. Don’t forget to visit Caboodle Ranch at www.caboodleranch.com, a non profit rescue center.
Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed!
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August 23rr Humor Page |
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