• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
• Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
• All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
• Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.
• Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.
• When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
• 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.
• During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
• Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.
• The entire British population lives in London.
• It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.
• In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.
• When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

• Hostess is sitting down reading "The Racing Forum".
• All of the first six booths are occupied by the wait staff.
• There is more food in the dumpster than in the restaurant.
• The menu has white-out under the prices.
• Nobody is parked in front. They are all in the back.
• You need a password to get in the front door. (Not "Swordfish!.")
• Nobody has need to shovel out the front door in the winter.
• The board of health is parked there every Monday morning.
• The sign outside hasn't worked in two years.
• Truckers never stop there.
• You need to bring litmus paper to test the coffee.
• There is a sign outside that says "Lion Club now meets at McDonalds-two doors down".
• Even the cooks leave for lunch.
• Nobody seems to be eating, they are there to watch the soap operas in the afternoon.
• Sign says "Tour Busses Needed".
• There are rumors that the place is haunted.
• They prefer to use paper plates instead of china, and they continually wash the plastic cutlery.
• They are always inviting nursing home residents over for tea.
• The cook died three weeks ago, and nobody knows the nationality of who is back there now, except that he has a strange wart.
• The garbage truck in the back is making a delivery.

• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
• The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
• They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
• He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
• Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
• Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
• It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
• Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?