• "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
•  "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
• "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
• "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
• "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
• "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
• "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
• "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
• "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
• "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife get's a toaster oven."
• "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
• "Just how big were those two beers?"
• "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."
• "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

• "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

• A nose ring and bifocals
• Spiked hair and bald spots
• A pierced tongue and dentures
• Miniskirts and support hose
• Ankle! Bracelets and corn pads
• Speedo's and cellulite
• A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
• Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
• Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
• Bikinis and liver spots
• Short shorts and varicose veins
•  Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least . . My personal favorite:

• Thongs and Depends

• You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
• You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
• You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
• You can make instant sun tea.
• You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
• The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
• You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
• You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
• You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• Hot water now comes out of both taps.
• It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
• You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
• You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
• No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
• Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
• You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales"/"Bush Lied" T-shirt and a tree hugger hat, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope.", another replied, "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to town and snatch another one?"

• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
• The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
• The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
• There are more chickens than people in the world.
• There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
• There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

.............Now you know everything

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or stick your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Always Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture )
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

• There was a beautiful young woman banging on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
• A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
• I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
• I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
• What are three words any woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
• Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
• My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
• My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
• The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
• The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
• Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!! " Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
• A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
• Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant! ?" The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?"
• Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
• A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
• A bum asked a fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"