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Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car...
.., a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk...
..., and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"
The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.
"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"
"I did," admitted the youngster.
"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?"
"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore. Pa.
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| There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident ... ...
except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to
interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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She Was So Blonde That ...
- She tripped over a cordless phone.
- She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
- She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
- She studied for a blood test.
- When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
- She sold the car for gas money!
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| On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the airport... ... they announced that
the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the
plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.
About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said,
"If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.
- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
- Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called the Wedding Cake.
- Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Florida
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| Rock Band - Download Video
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Never try to overtake a elephant The guy in the white Volkswagen was trying to get past the elephant.
 
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April 15th Humor Page |
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