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Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.
Moses calls a staff meeting.
Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.
The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time -- the Egyptians are too close.
The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.
Moses: Does anyone have a solution?
Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.
Moses: You! You have a solution?
The PR Man -- No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.
The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart.
Three bulls eyes!!!
All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.
Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.
The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk, "Say, what did you win the last time?"
And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"
Submitted by John, Waynesboro, Pa.
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| A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a
long time. Welcome to Heaven!"
"You are very well known here, and as a special reward... because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"
"Well," the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."
St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!
The priest is beside is himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you,
and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad.
Would you please tell me?"
"Honestly?" with a little pained grimace on her face.
"Well, I was really hoping for a girl."
Submitted by Father Al, Philadelphia, Pa.
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You might be old if:
- Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.
- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
- You feel like you really hung one on the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
- You get winded playing chess.
- Your children begin to look middle-aged.
- You join a health club and don't go.
- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
- Dialing long distance wears you out.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- A fortune teller offers to read your face.
- You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
- You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.
- You are startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer".
- You answer automatically when someone addresses you "Old Timer."
- You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.
- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
- Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.
- You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised.
- You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
- The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.
- The thought of getting out of bed never occurs to you.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Senior Citizen Bumper Stickers 
 
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Jan 17th Humor Page |
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