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| A small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand in a trial ...
- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real
disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt.
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Scotch with two drops of water A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
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| There was a young man, who was known for his lack of study.
The rabbi of the congregation, was not about to let this go unnoticed. He performed his Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal lack of preparation. When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the usual Kiddish Cup, and Bible from the congregation. But then the rabbi added a special gift.
He said, "You have received many gifts today, many treasures of Judaism in book form, that will enrich your life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of HaShem... and now for my own special gift to you."
With that he pulled out an Umbrella, from behind the lectern, and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour. "I present you this umbrella, because, I want to give you a gift that at least I know you will open!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner.
On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occurred & Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!"
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".
"It's the biggest dam I know." he replied.
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It was so hot today that the ice cream truck in my neighborhood melted today…
 Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
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July 22nd Humor Page |
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