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An old man and woman were married for many years... ..., even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard
deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked
the fact that he was feared. ---To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the
rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
And you know men won't ask for directions.'
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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I called my daughter
long-distance just to say hello ...
- ... She had had a particularly
rough day with her two boys, then aged nine months and three
years. When I asked her how she was, she replied wearily,
"I don't know, Mom. I keep hoping I'm just the baby-sitter and
that their parents will come home soon."
- Our daughter was filling us in
on her date the night before. They had driven to a neighboring
city for dinner. When her father asked her where the restaurant
was located, she said, "You know, I really can't tell you. I was
enjoying the ride, the company and the scenery, and all of a
sudden we were there." "I understand perfectly," her father
said. "That's exactly how your mother and I arrived at middle
age!"
Submitted by
Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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A Rabbi was walking home from the
Temple and a pious and learned man ...
... who could usually beat the rabbi in
religious arguments. The rabbi started walking faster so that he
could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his
friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).
Standing at the door, he observed his
friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time
later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare
ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that
the Rabbi could not bear to think about.
As his friend picked up the chopsticks and
began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and
reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer. "Morris,
what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant,
order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of
everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an
apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"
Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me
enter this restaurant?" (Rabbi nods yes)
"Did you see me order this meal?" (again
he nods yes)
"Did you see the waiter bring me this
food?" (again he nods yes)
"And did you see me eat it?" (nods yes)
"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem
here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!"
Submitted by Larry, Walkersville, MD.
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Here's a little test for anyone over
40+ !
- "Cookie; Kookie. Lend me your
________________."
- The "battle cry" of the
hippies in the sixties was "Turn on; tune in;________________."
- After the Lone Ranger saved
the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens
would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would
answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." What did he
leave behind?________________.
- Folk songs were played side by
side with rock and roll. One of the most memorable folk songs
included these lyrics: "When the rooster crows at the break of
dawn, look out your window and I'll be gone. You're the reason
I'm
- A group of protesters arrested
at the Democratic convention in Chicago in 1968 achieved cult
status, and were known as the ________________.
- When the Beatles first came to
the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the
________________________show.
- Some of us who protested the
Vietnam war did so by burning our _____________.
- We all learned to read using
the same books. We read about the thrilling lives and adventures
of Dick and Jane. What was the name of Dick and Jane's
dog?______
- The cute little car with the
engine in the back and the trunk (what there was of it) in the
front, was called the VW. What other name(s)did it go by?
_______________ & ________________
- A Broadway musical and movie
gave us the gang names the ___________and the ____________.
- In the seventies, we called
the dropout nonconformists "hippies." But in the early sixties,
they were known as ________________.
- William Bendix played Chester
A. Riley, who always seemed to get the short end of the stick in
the television program, "The Life of Riley." At the end of each
show, poor Chester would turn to the camera and exclaim, "What a
________."
- "Get your kicks,
________________."
- "The story you are about to
see is true. The names have been changed________________."
- The real James Bond, Sean
Connery, mixed his martinis a special way:________________.
- "In the jungle, the mighty
jungle, ________________."
- That "adult" book by Henry
Miller - the one that contained all the "dirty" dialogue - was
called _________.
- Today, the math geniuses in
school might walk around with a calculator strapped to their
belts. But back in the sixties, members of the math club used a
_________.
- In 1971, singer Don MacLean
sang a song about "the day the music died." This was a reference
and tribute to _______________.
- A well-known television
commercial featured a driver who was miraculously lifted through
thin air and into the front seat of convertible. The matching
slogan was "Let Hertz ________________."
- After the twist, the mashed
potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was
lowered as low as we could go in a dance called
the________________.
- "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes
the very best _____________________."
- In the late sixties, the "full
figure" style of Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe gave way to the
"trim" look, as first exemplified by British model
________________.
- Sachmo was America's
"ambassador of goodwill. " Our parents shared this great jazz
trumpet player with us. His name was ________________.
- On Jackie Gleason's variety
show in the sixties, one of the most popular segments was "Joe,
the Bartender." Joe's regular visitor at the bar was that
slightly off- center, but lovable character,
_______________.(The character's name, not the actor's.)
- We can remember the first
satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it; it was called
____________.
- What takes a licking and keeps
on ticking?__________.
- One of the big fads of the
late fifties and sixties was a large plastic ring that we
twirled around our waist; it was called the ________________.
- The "Age of Aquarius" was
brought into the mainstream in the Broadway musical
______________.
- This is a two-parter: Red
Skelton's hobo character (not the hayseed, the hobo) was
________________. Red ended his television show by saying, "Good
night, and ________________."
The Answers:
"Kookie; Kookie; lend me your
comb."
- The "battle cry" of the
hippies in the sixties was "Turn on; tune in; drop out." Many
people who proclaimed that 30 years ago today are Wall Street
bond traders and corporate lawyers.
- The Lone Ranger left behind a
silver bullet. Several of you said he left behind his mask. Oh,
no; even off the screen, Clayton Moore would not be seen as the
Lone Ranger without his mask!
- "When the rooster crows at the
break of dawn, look out your window and I'll be gone. You're the
reason I'm traveling on; Don't think twice, it's all right."
- The group of protesters
arrested at the Democratic convention in Chicago in 1968 was
known as the Chicago seven. As Paul Harvey says, "They would
like me to mention their names."
- When the Beatles first came to
the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the Ed Sullivan
Show.
- Some who protested the Vietnam
war did so by burning their draft cards. If you said "bras,"
you've got the right spirit, but nobody ever burned a bra while
I was watching. The "bra burning" days came as a by-product of
women's liberation movement which had nothing directly to do
with the Vietnam war.
- Dick and Jane's dog was Spot.
"See Spot run." Whatever happened to them? Rumor has it they
have been replaced in some school systems by "Heather Has Two
Mommies."
- It was the VW Beetle, or more
affectionately, the Bug.
- A Broadway musical and movie
gave us the gang names the Sharks and the Jets. West Side Story.
- In the early sixties, the
dropout, nonconformists were known as Beatniks. Maynard G. Krebs
was the classic beatnik, except that he had no rhythm, man; a
beard, but no beat.
- At the end of "The Life of
Riley," Chester would turn to the camera and exclaim, "What a
revolting development this is."
- "Get your kicks, on Route 66."
- "The story you are about to
see is true. The names have been changed to protect the
innocent."
- The real James Bond, Sean
Connery, mixed his martinis a special way:
- shaken, not stirred.
- "In the jungle, the mighty
jungle, the lion sleeps tonight."
- That "adult" book by Henry
Miller was called Tropic of Cancer. Today, it would get a PG-13
rating.
- Back in the sixties, members
of the math club used a slide rule.
- "The day the music died" was a
reference and tribute to Buddy Holly.
- The matching slogan was "Let
Hertz put you in the driver's seat."
- After the twist, the mashed
potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick in a dance
called the Limbo.
- "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes
the very best....chooo-c'late." In the television commercial,
"chocolate" was sung by a puppet - a dog. (Remember his mouth
flopping open and shut?)
- In the late sixties, the "full
figure" style gave way to the "trim" look, as first exemplified
by British model Twiggy.
- Our parents shared this great
jazz trumpet player with us. His name was Louis Armstrong.
- Joe's regular visitor at the
bar was Crazy Googenhiem.
- The Russians put the first
satellite into orbit; it was called Sputnik.
- What takes a licking and keeps
on ticking? A Timex watch.
- The large plastic ring that we
twirled around our waist was called the hula-hoop.
- The "Age of Aquarius" was
brought into the mainstream in the Broadway musical "Hair."
- Red Skelton's hobo character
was Freddie the Freeloader. (Clem Kaddiddlehopper was the "hay
seed.") Red ended his television show by saying, "Good night,
and may God bless."
Submitted by
Bill, Narberth, PA.
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Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't!
II
- "Well aren't we a bloody ray
of sunshine?
- "Don't bother me, I'm living
happily ever after.
- Therapy is expensive. Popping
bubble plastic is cheap. You choose.
- Practice random acts of
intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
- I'm not crazy. I've been in a
very bad mood for thirty years.
- Do they ever shut up on your
planet?
- I'm not your type. I'm not
inflatable.
- Stress is when you wake up
screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
- Back off! You're standing in
my aura.
- Don't worry. I forgot your
name too.
- I work 45 hours a week to be
this poor.
- Wait. I'm trying to imagine
you with a personality.
- Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
- Earth is full. Go home.
- Aw, did I step on your poor
little itty bitty ego?
- I'm not tense, just terribly,
terribly alert.
- I'm already visualizing duct
tape over your mouth.
- Can I trade this job for
what's behind door #1?
- I'll try to be nicer, if you
try to be smarter.
- How about never? Is never good
for you?
- What ever kind of look you
were going for, you missed.
- I like you. You remind me of
when I was young and stupid.
- Yes, I am an agent of Satan,
but my duties are largely ceremonial.
- You're a good example of why
some animals eat their young.
- Am I getting smart with you?
How would you know?
- I'm NOT stressed out. You're
just extremely annoying!
- Have a nice day. somewhere
else.
Go to Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't! I
Submitted by Mike, Broomfield,
Co.
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Lightning Strikes Man Twice - Unbelievable! - Download Video
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Bumper Stickers Evolve & Election 2012
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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June 8th Humor Page |
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