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A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'
Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
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| The man told his
doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house... ... that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."
"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"
Submitted by Jamie, Crofton, Md.
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A defendant was on trial for murder.
There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is
reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
Submitted by Tom, Fairfield, Pa.
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Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day...
a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.
"In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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| A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot Bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and Says to the man, "What's your IQ?
The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology
The guy leaves, but he is curious... So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings Him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50.."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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Did You Know?? (part 2)
- Fish and Chip selling officially remained an offensive trade until 1940 due to the smell it produces.
- The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
- The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
- In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
- Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil) and Mazaru (Speak no evil).
- Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
- A comet's tail always points away from the sun.
- The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
- Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
- The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
- If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
- When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
- Trivia in Roman mythology was the goddess who haunted crossroads, graveyards and was the goddess of sorcery and witchcraft. She wandered about at night, and was seen only by the barking of dogs who told of
her approach.
- In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
- Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
- It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines.
- The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
- The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
- Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
- Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left.
- Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.
- Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
- The painting that won second place in a competition held by the US National Academy of Design was hanging upside down when it was judged.
- Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
- For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
- The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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March 9th Humor Page |
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