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(These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.)

• Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
  Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.
   
• Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
  Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
   
• Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
  Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
   
• Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
  Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
   
• Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
  Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.
   
• Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
  George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
   
• Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
  Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
    
• Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?
  Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way...
    
• Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
  Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies... but I don't recommend the cookies!
    
• Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
  George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him I guess.
    
• Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
  Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
    
• Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
  Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
    
• Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
  Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
    
• Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should be beware if other woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband's clothing. What item?
  Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind...
  
• Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
  Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
   
• Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
  George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
   
• Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
  Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.
   
• Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
  Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
   
• Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire girls?
  Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
   
• Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
  Paul Lynde: Make him yelp.
   
• Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
  George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
   
• Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
  Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
   
• Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
  Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
   
• Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
  Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
   
• Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
  George Goebel: Cattle crossing.
   
• Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body-what is it?
  Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected! 
   
• Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
  Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
   
• Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
  George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
   
• Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
  Paul Lynde: He's out of town.
    
• Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
  Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver that's why they asked the question.
   
• Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
  Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
   
• Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? 
  Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
   
• Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
  Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
   
• Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
  Charley Weaver: His feet.
   
• Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? 
  Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
   
• Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
  Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.
    
• Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
  Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
    
• Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
  Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn

Submitted by Megan, Emmitsburg, Md.
  

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• Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
  
  My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake; you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
  
• Martha's way #2:Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

• Martha's way #4:To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.

• Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

• Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

• Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. My motto: I made it, you will eat it, and I don't care how bad it tastes.

• Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

• Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

• Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

• Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

• Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

• Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

• Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

• Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
  • Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
  • Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
  • Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
  • Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

Submitted by Pat, Blue Lake, Va.
  

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• "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown
• "Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" - Lily Tomlin
• "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." - Lily Tomlin
• "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" - Marsha Warfield
• "Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anybody going faster than you is a maniac?" - George Carlin
• "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner
• "I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." - Carol Leifer
• "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents." - William Coronel

Submitted by Kate, San Francisco, Calif.
  

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• "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy
• "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry
• "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger
• "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" - Paula Poundstone
• "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." - Conan O'Brien
• "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery
• "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."  - Roseanne
• "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" - Richard Jeni
• "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." -Johnny Carson
• "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez
• "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." - Jerry Seinfeld
• "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" - Warren Hutcherson
• "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde
• "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." -Mae West
• "Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain
• "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown
• "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" - Dave Barry
• "We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'" - Elayne Boosler
• "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." - George Carlin

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.
  

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Submitted by Marie, Cochranville, Pa.
  

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Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
  

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