These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

• "It has long been known" ... I didn't look up the original reference.
• "A definite trend is evident" ... These data are practically meaningless.
• "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" ... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
• "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" ... The other results didn't make any sense.
• "Typical results are shown" ... This is the prettiest graph.
• "These results will be in a subsequent report" ... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
• "In my experience" ... Once.
• "In case after case" ... Twice.
• "In a series of cases" ... Thrice.
• "It is believed that" ... I think.
• "It is generally believed that" ... A couple of others think so, too.
• "Correct within an order of magnitude" ... Wrong.
• "According to statistical analysis" ... Rumor has it.
• "A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings" ... A wild guess.
• "A careful analysis of obtainable data" ... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.
• "It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs" ... I don't understand it.
• "After additional study by my colleagues" ... They don't understand it either.
• "Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" ... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
• "A highly significant area for exploratory study" ... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
• "It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" ... I quit.

• Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
• Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
• Stupidity got us into this mess... why can't it get us out?
• Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
• Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
• There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
• Sign in a loan company window: "Now you can borrow enough money to get completely out of debt."
• People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
• It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
• I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
• I am in shape. Round is a shape.
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• A day without sunshine is like night.
• I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
• I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
• You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
• Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
• You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing. 

• "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
• "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
• "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
• "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
• "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
• "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
• "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"
• "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
• "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
• "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
• "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
• "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."
• "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
• "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
• "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
• "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
• "Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
• "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
• "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."
• "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
• "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
• "We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits?"
• "If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."
• "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Virginia)

• You answer the door before people knock.
• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
• You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• All your kids are named "Joe".
• You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
• Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
• You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirs.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
• You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
• You don't tan, you roast.
• You can't even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.

• Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? And other questions
• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
• Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
• Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
• Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
• Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
• Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light" ?
• Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
• Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
• Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
• Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
• Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?

• If people from Poland are called "Poles" why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with!
• When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
• Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
• Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
• If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
• Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
• "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's?"
• Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?
• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
• Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
• What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
• I was thinking how people seem to read the Bible more as they get older. Then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam.
• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
• How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
• If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
• Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

• If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
• Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
• It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
• The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
• When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
• A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
• You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
• The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
• Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
• Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
• Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
• You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
• Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
• If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
• In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
• Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
• It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
• Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
• Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
• The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
• Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
• Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• I intend to live forever, so far so good.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• 24 hours in a day... 24 cans of beer in a case... coincidence?
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• If you think nobody cares about you, trying missing a couple of payments.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Only borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect to get it back.

• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
• If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.
• No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.
• I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

• "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
• "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
• "Procrastinate Now."
• "Rehab Is for Quitters."
• "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."
• "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
• "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)
• "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."
• "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."
• "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."
• "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
• "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."
• "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
• "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
• "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
• "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."
• "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."
• "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."
• "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog."
• "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
• "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."
• "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."
• "The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it."
• "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
• "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
• "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
• "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
• "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"
• "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
• "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
• "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."
• "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."
• "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."
• "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."
• "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."
• "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
• A shirt with a Harley Davidson logo on the front. The back said, "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THE BITCH FELL OFF!"
• "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."