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You know you are addicted to coffee if ...
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You sleep with your eyes open.
- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
- The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away
- without using the timer.
- You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
- You're so jittery that people use your hands
- to blend their margaritas.
- You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize
- it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- You channel surf faster without a remote.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
- You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
- Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee
- with an I.V. hookup.
- You ski uphill.
- You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
- You answer the door before people knock.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
Submitted by Ray, Tropper Pa.
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Grade change form Date:
Dear Professor,
My grade in ____ should be raised from _____ to ____ because:
- There must be a mistake somewhere.
- I was not well at the time of the examination.
- My mind always goes blank during an examination.
- This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.
- This is the only course in which I received a poor grade
- This mark grieved my mother (or Father). whose pride I am.
- Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.
- The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject
- I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.
- I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.
- I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give to one of the other sections.
- Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.
- The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.
- I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do an who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student - you just ask any
one of them.
- The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.
- Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my opinions differ
from those of the instructor.
- I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question
- I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details and
parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students
- At the time of the exam, I was suffering from a severe case of cognitive dissonance and was incapable of coping with the stress of the hour.
- t is not a higher mark I seek; I care nothing about marks; I think marks are wicked and I disapprove of them. However, this pernicious system of which I am a victim
requires marks for achieving success and therefore, I seek a higher mark.
Thank you,
Name:
Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Headlines Waiting to Happen
- Fisherman Hooked. Police Bait Line
- Trapeze Artist Suspended. Refuses to Remove Safety Harness
- Marathon Swimmer Gets Cold Feet over Arctic Swim
- Police Say Dressmaker's Face Altered. She Say's It's a Stitch-up.
- Weightlifter Benched over Unclean Jerk
- Tennis Star Hits the Net. Volley and Mail Returned
- Steeplechaser Jumpy over Hurdle Heights
- Shot-put Entrant Throws Weight Around. Now Very Bruised
- Trapshooter Given the Bird. Claims it Was an Egg.
- Jockey Posted at the Finish, Expects to Be Franked.
- Yachtsman Buoyed, Not Drowned. 'Glad to Be Alive'
- Cold Shoulder for Local Weatherman. Predicted Heatwave.
- Cameraman Gets Shot with Own Camera. "I'm Not Negative about It, Though."
- Fireman Gets Burnt. Found with Hot Stuff
- New Hurricane Names: from Now, Named after State Governors.
- Archer Targeted over Missing Bull
- Blue Cross Turns Red after Red Cross Gets Blue Gowns.
- He Said He Couldn't Face My Type. But I Do Every Day. I'm a Compositor.
- Percussionists Beat Drum for Rhythm Method
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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Idle Thoughts from a Retired Person ...
- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
- I had amnesia once -- or twice.
- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
- If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
- Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
- grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
- Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?
- My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
- How can there be self-help "groups"?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- The speed of time is one-second per second.
- Is it possible to be totally partial?
- What's another word for thesaurus?
- Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
- It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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Random thought take 14
- The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
- Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
- If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
- Seat belts are not as confining as wheel-chairs.
- A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
- How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
- Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
- Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
- Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
- No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
- There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
- There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
- Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
- I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
- Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
- The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
- Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
- Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
- After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.
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An Old Farmer's Advice:
- Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
- Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
- Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
- A bumble bee is considerably faster than a tractor.
- Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
- Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
- Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
- Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
- It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
- You cannot unsay a cruel word.
- Every path has a few puddles.
- When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
- The best sermons are lived, not preached.
- Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
- Don't judge folks by their relatives.
- Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
- Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
- Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
- Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
- If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
- Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
- The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
- Always drink upstream from the herd.
- Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
- Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
- If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
- Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God/the Goddess.
Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, PA.
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Thirty Lines to Make You Smile
- My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
- I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
- I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
- Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
- Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
- Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
- I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
- God must love stupid people; He made so many.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
- Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
- Procrastinate Now!
- I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
- Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
- They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
- He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
- A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
- Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
- The trouble with life is there's no background music.
- The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
- I smile because I don't know what is going on.
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Gentle thoughts for today...
- Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
- When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
- A penny saved is a government oversight.
- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
- If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
- The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
- There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt
- Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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Ramblings from Dave
- Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
- If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
- The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
- The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
- To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
- Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? and belly button rings.
- Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
- Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
- Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
- After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
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New definitions for everyday medical terms
- Benign: What you be after you be eight
- Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria
- Barium: What you do with dead folks
- Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome
- Catscan: Searching for the cat
- Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
- Colic: A sheep dog
- Coma: A punctuation mark
- D&C: Where Washington is
- Dilate: To live longer than your kids do
- Enema: Not a friend
- Fester: Quicker than someone else
- Fibula: A small lie
- G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball
- Hangnail: What you hang your coat on
- Impotent: Distinguished, well known
- Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work
- Morbid: A higher offer than I bid
- Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
- Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake
- Node: I knew it:
- Outpatient: A person who has fainted
- Pap Smear: A fatherhood test
- Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis
- Post Operative: A letter carrier
- Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
- Secretion: Hiding something
- Tablet: A small table to change babies on
- Seizure: Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section
- Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the train station
- Tumor: More than one
- Urine: Opposite of mine
- Varicose: Near by
- Hospital: The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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