• On turning 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."
• On turning 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
• On turning 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
• On turning 100: "I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
• On giving up his early career, boxing: "I ruined my hands in the ring .. the referee kept stepping on them."
• On golf: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
• On presidents: "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
• On why he chose showbiz for his career: "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
• On receiving the congressional gold medal: "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
• On his family's early poverty: "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
• On his six brothers: "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
• On his early failures: " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
• On going to heaven: "I've done benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, CO.
 

  Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
• If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• When someone asks you A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
• When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
• Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
• Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
• If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
• Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
• I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
• Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Submitted by Patty, Ringos, NJ
 

  Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

And your final Zen thought for the day..... Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
 

  Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
• Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
• Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
• Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
• something new to eat will have materialized?
• Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
• Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
• How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
• When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping
• cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
• In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
• How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

  Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

• Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
• I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
• If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
• Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.
• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
• If the shoe fits .... buy a pair in every color.
• Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
• If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Some days are a total waste of makeup.
• Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!

Submitted by Sandy, Germantown, MD.
 

  Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

Submitted by Sandy, Germantown, Md.
 

  Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

• Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
• Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
• When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
• If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
• On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
• The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
• Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
• Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• The! older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
• How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
• I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
• One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
• Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
• Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
• If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.
 

  Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

Back in the 1930s and '40's, before the interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream .

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
 

  Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

• When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
• I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
• I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
• Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said -'Sticks and stones may
• break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
• My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
• I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
• I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
• If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
• Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
• Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
• Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
• What do people in China call their good plates?

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

  Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

Submitted by Neil, Lindal-in-furness, England
 

  Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes

• You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".
• You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.
• You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
• Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
• You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.
• All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 50, he's only 50.
• Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.
• Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.
• You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.
• Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.
• You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.
• Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
• You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they Are for your child. 1
• Pop music all starts to sound like crap.
• You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.
• You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.
• You always have enough milk in.
• To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have
• While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
• The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
• You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
• You wish you had a shed.
• You have a shed.
• You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day...."
• Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine has some really interesting guests on.
• Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.
• When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets
• You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time, and the indestructibility of the 20s gives way to a realisation that you are but passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in, ...

Submitted by Neil, Lindal-in-furness, England
 

Go to page 19 of Humorous Saying 

  Return to: Top of Page, List of Humorous Sayings, My Little Sister's Jokes