• Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
• At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
• One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
• Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
• You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
• Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
• You never know where to look when eating a banana.
• You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
• The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
• Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
• Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
• Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
• Old ladies can eat more than you think.
• You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
• Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
• You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

• Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
• Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
• On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
• Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
• Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
• How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
• Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
• When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
• Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
• In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
• How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
• If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four North Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is a real word with only one letter altered to form an artificial word. Some are terrifically innovative:

• Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
• Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
• Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
• Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
• Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
• Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
• Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
• Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
• Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).
• Karmageddion: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
• Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
• Glibido: All talk and no action.
• Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
• Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
• Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
• Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the Pick of the Lot ...

• Ignoranus: The person who's both stupid and an asshole.

• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
• Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
• Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
• Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
• Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
• Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
• Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
• Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
• Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
• Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
• Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"
• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• Why is a boxing ring square?
• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
• Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
• Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
• Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on "Start?"
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

• "This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time." - Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
• "During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails." - AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian
• "Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there." - Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster
• "You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
• "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." - Bill Peterson, football coach
• "The internet is a great way to get on the net." - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
• "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer

• SAW, n. A trite or popular saying, or proverb (figurative and colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth.
• A man is known by the company he organises.
• A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that.
• A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
• Better late than before anybody has invited you.
• Example is better than following it.
• Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else.
• Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.
• Least said is soonest disavowed.
• He laughs best who laughs least.
• Strike while your employer has a big contract.
• Where there's a will there's a wont.

• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
• If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
• If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• The speed of time is one second per second.
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• What's another word for thesaurus?
• Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
• It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
• Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Decalogue, n. A series of commandments, ten in number - just enough to permit intelligent selection for the observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is a revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.

Thou shalt no God but me adore:
'Twere too expensive to have more.

No images or idols make
For Robert Ingersoll to break.

Take not God's name in vain; select
A time when it will have effect.

Work not the Sabbath days at all,
But go and see the teams play ball.

Honour thy parents. That creates
For life insurance lower rates.

Kill not, abet not those who kill.
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.

Kiss not thy neighbour's wife, unless
Thine own thy neighbour doth caress.

Don't steal; thou'll never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat.

Bear not false witness - that is low -
But 'hear 'tis rumoured so and so.'

Covet thou nought that thou hast not
By hook or crook, or somehow, got.

• There was a beautiful young woman banging on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
• A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
• I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
• I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
• What are three words any woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
• Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
• My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
• My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
• The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
• The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
• Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!! " Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
• A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
• Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant! ?" The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?"
• Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
• A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
• A bum asked a fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

• I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Remember, half the people you know are below average.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
• Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
• Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
• Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

• "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
•  "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
• "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
• "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
• "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
• "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
• "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
• "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
• "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
• "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife get's a toaster oven."
• "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
• "Just how big were those two beers?"
• "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."
• "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

• "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."