• New rule: stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
• New rule: don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless, you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
• New rule: stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
• New rule: if you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
• New rule: ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
• New rule: there's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. that's your flavored water.
• New rule: stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, target, you just solved the social security crisis.
• New rule: the more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-low and one Nutrasweet," ooooohhhhhh, you're a huge asshole!
• New rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my pin number, pressing "enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my almond joy.
• New rule: just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. and it translates to "beef with broccoli." the last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to god you weren't pregnant. you're not spiritual. You're just high.
• New rule: competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. Espn recently televised the US open of competitive eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. they're already doing that. It's called "the Howard Stern show."
• New rule: I don't need a bigger mega m&m. If I'm extra hungry for m&ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
• New rule: if you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. let's remember that the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
• New rule: no more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
• New rule: and this one is long overdue: no more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like i just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands!
• New rule: when I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 months." "he's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
• Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
• She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "June flower."
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• 1Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the high cost of living.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
• Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
• The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
• I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
• When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?". Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?". Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Tech Support: "I need you to rightclick on the Open Desktop". Customer: "OK". Tech Support: "Did you get a popup menu?". Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK. RightClick again. Do you see a popup menu?" Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?". Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?" Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ): "If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please". Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

• "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
• "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
• "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow
• "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
• "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
• "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
• "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
• "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
• "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
• "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
• "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
• "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in reply

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the U.S. to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.

• If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
• The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
• The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
• To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
• Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?
• Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.
• After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.