• Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
• The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
• You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
• There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
• The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
• The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
• A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
• Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
• There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
• People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
• And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
• You should not confuse your career with your life.
• No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
• Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
• Never lick a steak knife.

• The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called preMadonna.
• Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
• Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
• All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
• Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
• Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
• Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
• A harp is a nude piano.
• Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.
• I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
• My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
• Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
• Rock Monanoff was a famous postromantic composer of piano concerti.

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
• The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
• The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
• After a number of injections my jaw got number.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

• Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana
• I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
• If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York.
• If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C. 

• Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
• Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
• Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
• Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
• Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
• Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
• Law of the Bath : When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
• Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
• Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
• Law of the yard sale: When trying to prove to someone that the item you're selling will work, it won't.
• Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
• Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
• Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers
• Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
• Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
• Law of the Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
• Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
• Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

And, my personal favorite,

• The Law of Wal-Mart: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop carrying it.

• Old world charm - Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.
• Tropical - Rainy.
• Majestic setting - A long way from town, at end of dirt road.
• Options galore - Nothing is included in the price.
• Secluded hideaway - Directions to locate unclear.
• Some budget rooms - Sorry, already occupied.
• Explore on your own - At your own expense.
• Minutes From ??? - By Plane
• Romantic - No Phone in room
• Knowledgeable trip hosts - They've flown in an airplane before.
• No extra fees - No extras available.
• Bird Watchers Paradise - Your car's paint will never be the same
• Nominal fee - Outrageous charge.
• Standard - Sub-standard.
• Deluxe - Barely Standard.
• Superior accommodations- One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.
• All the amenities - Two chocolates, two shower caps.
• Just Like Home - No Maid service.
• Plush - Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.
• Gentle breezes - In hurricane alley.
• Light and airy - No air conditioning.
• Picturesque - Theme park nearby.
• 24-hour bar - Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
• Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
• We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
• The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
• The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
• If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
• A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
• A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
• The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself. [That's a story that lens itself.]
• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
• A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A -flat miner.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
• A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• His parents thought he was a budding genius, but he turned out to be a blooming idiot.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture: a jab well done

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A: Don Knots: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"? A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking? A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score? A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean? A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen? A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

• Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
• Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
• Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
• No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
• Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).