• Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself: "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."  -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
• Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain
• The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns
• Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge
• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
• By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx
• My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante
• I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
• Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine
• My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield
• Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan
• I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain
• Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath
• I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope
• I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields
• We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers
• Don't worry about avoiding temptation; as you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill
• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal

• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides compressed by a Thigh Master.
• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now he goes around the country speaking at high schools about the danger of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
• The revelation that his marriage had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're holiday and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7.00 pm instead of 7.30.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
• The hailstones leapt from pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
• Even in his last years Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan might work.
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
• "Oh, Jason, take me!", she panted, her breasts heaving like a uni student on a $1-a-beer night.
• He was a lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a mine or something.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
• She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 legs missing.
• It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

• It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. (Jerome K. Jerome)
• Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off guard and allow you opportunity to commit more. (Mark Twain)
• When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. (Winston Churchill)
• I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
• I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member. (Groucho Marx)
• Those are my principals, if you don't like them....I have others." (Groucho Marx)
• All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening. (Alexander Woollcott)
• Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. (Mark Twain)

• They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
• All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
• Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
• You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
• Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
• The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
• When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
• The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
• You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
• No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
• You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
• All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Shakespeare

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, here's the poison, suicide yourself for her.

Optimist

If you love someone, set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.

Patient

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.

Playful

If you love someone, set her free ...
*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*

C++ Programmer

if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Lawyers

If you love someone, set her free ...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that ...

Bill Gates

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist

If you love someone, set her free ...
She'll evolve.

Statisticians

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, the Weibull distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.

Salesman

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, deal!
If she doesn't, so what! "NEXT".

Schwarzenegger's fans

If you love someone, set her free ...
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Insurance agent

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, sign her up,
If she doesn't, keep follow up with her and never give up!

Physician

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,
If she doesn't, either there's friction higher than the force or the angle of collision between two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.

Mathematician

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),
If she doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c is the infinite constant of no turning point.

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

Anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:

I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.

In a Georgia cemetery:

"I told you I was sick!"

Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

And, Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas:

Office upstairs

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

• Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
   
• Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
   
• Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
   
• Q: How do I create a New Document window?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
   
• Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
  A: Pick it up and shake it. 
• Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
   
• Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
   
• Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
  A: Don't shake it.

• Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
• 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
• 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
• Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1bananosecond
• Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
• Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =Knotfurlong
• 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
• Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
• 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahertz
• Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
• Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
• 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
• 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
• 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
• 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
• 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
• 52 cards = 1 decacards
• 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
• 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
• 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
• 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
• 10 rations = 1 decoration
• 100 rations = 1 C-ration
• 2 monograms = 1 diagram
• 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
• 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Cornell University Hospital = 1 IV League
• 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

• "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
• "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
• "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
• "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
• "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now
• we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
• "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
• "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
• "In God we trust, all others are suspects."