You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

• I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
• I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
• I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
• I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
• I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
• I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
• If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
• I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
• I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
• I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

• At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
• In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
• On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"
• On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
• In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
• In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
• In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
• In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
• In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
• On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
• On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship."
• At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
• On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
• In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
• In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
• In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
• In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
• On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
• Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
• In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
• In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
• In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
• On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
• On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
• On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
• Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
• And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign."

• "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"
• "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
• "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."
• "Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
• "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
• "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
• "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."
• "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
• "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

• Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
• Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
• On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "oneslice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
• Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
• Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
• How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
• Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
• When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" When, it isn't all right .
• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
• Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
• In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
• How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
• If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
• I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
• I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
• Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
• Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
• There is a great need for sarcasm font.
• I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
• Was learning cursive really necessary?
• Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
• Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in... (10 second lapse) ... ummm ... Goonies"
• What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
• I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
• I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
• Bad decisions make good stories
• Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
• Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
• If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
• Why is it that during an icebreaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
• There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
• "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
• hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
• I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
• When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
• I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
• As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
• Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
• It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
• I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the Gspot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey but Id bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
• My 4year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
• It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
• I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
• The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

• Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
• Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
• Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
• Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
• The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
• Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
• First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
• Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
• Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
• Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
• Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
• The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
• Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
• Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
• Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

• "Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter."
• "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
• "If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it because I can't swim."
• "Does not enable user to fly" - Warning on Batman cape
• "I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street." "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most"
• "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
• "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
• "The nice thing about egoists is that they don't talk about other people."
• "Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these, 3,000 are still in existence."
• "An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field."
• Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything."
• Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a while...it isn't so hot.
• "I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen."
• "If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
• "The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."
• "According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars."
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
• In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• "Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

• Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
• Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
• You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
• 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
• When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
• Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club".
• While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
• For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom' noises while in the driveway.
• You keep losing dates on left turns.

Saw, n. a trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and colloquial). So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth.

• A penny saved is a penny to squander
• A man is known by the company he organizes
• A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that
• A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring
• Better late than before anybody has invited you
• Example is better than following it
• Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else
• Think twice before you speak to a friend in need
• What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it
• Least said is soonest disavowed
• He laughs best who laughs least
• Speak of the devil and he will hear about it
• Of two evils choose to be the least
• Strike while your employer has a big contract
• Where there's a will there's a wont

• Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
• If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
• Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."
• When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!"
• When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
• When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time."
• Beep when a large person backs up.
• Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men."
• Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"
• Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
• Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
• When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
• Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
• While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
• Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.