When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion, and my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked..

"Czechoslovakia."

• Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor--and you don't care.
• You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
• Popsicle's become a food staple.
• Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
• You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
• You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
• You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
• You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
• You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
• Your kid throws up and you catch it.
• You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

"Gee," Bob remarked later, "you really make a big fuss over your wife".

"I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage and we couldn't be happier."

Inspired, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife and told her how much he loved her and said he wanted to hear all about her day. But she burst into tears. "Honey," Bob said, "whats' the matter?".

"This has been the worst day," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off his bike and broke his ankle, then the washing machine broke. Now to top it off, you come home drunk!".

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

"Wonderful, for a while," the other says. "I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, one day, poof! It was all gone."

"What a shame," the friend says. "What on Earth happened?"

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME:_____________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________
2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______ IQ: ________GPA: ______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: ___________ DRIVERS LICENSE #: _________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________ CITY: _________ ZIP ______
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain: _______________________________________________
7. Number of years parents married: ___________
8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____ WATERBED? _____ MOTORCYCLE? _____ TATTOO? ____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ___ (IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "Late" mean to you?
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
12. What church do you attend? ________________ How often do you attend? ____/ week
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ____________
14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely - all answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone - I promise):
    1. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the ____________
    2. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _____________
    3. A women's place is in the __________________
    4. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ____________________
    5. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________ (NOTE: If the answer to "E" begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________
16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? _________ Which one? ____________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_____________________ Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now)

A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.

"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"

"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.

"America," Morris replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife.

He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"

"Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he said, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."

Morris looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked "Morris what took you so long to answer?

Morris replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Saturday afternoon, the convict surrender himself to police.

When asked why he gave himself up after his first taste of freedom for twelve years, the con replied, "When I finally got home, the first thing my wife asked me was, 'Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago'."

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,

"Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag!"

Test 1 – Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

• Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
• Leave it there.
• After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

• Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
• Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
• Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge:  Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.  Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 - Nights.  To discover how the nights will feel:

• Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
• At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
• Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
• Set the alarm for 3am.
• As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
• Go to bed at 2.45am.
• Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
• Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
• 9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
• 10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

• Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
• Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

• Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
• Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
• Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
• Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
• Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk

• Wait.
• Go out the front door.
• Come back in again.
• Go out.
• Come back in again.
• Go out again.
• Walk down the front path.
• Walk back up it.
• Walk down it again.
• Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
• Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
• Retrace your steps.
• Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
• Give up and go back into the house.
•  
• You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7 - Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

• Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
• Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
• Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

• Hollow out a melon.
• Make a small hole in the side.
• Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side.
• Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
• Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
• Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 - TV

• Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
• Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess - Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

• Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
• Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
• Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
• Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

• Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly.

Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.

• Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations

• Start talking to an adult of your choice.
• Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work

• Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
• Put on your finest work attire.
• Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it.
• Stir.
• Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
• Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
• Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.
• Do not change (you have no time).
• Go directly to work

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."