Predictable Mom

• Eat your vegetables, they're good for you.
• I can always tell when you're lying.
• If God had wanted you to have holes in your ears (… tongue, eyebrows...) He would have put them there!
• If you could stay out last night, you can get up this morning.
• If you're too full to finish your dinner, you're too full for dessert.
• If you're too sick to go to school, you're too sick to play outside.
• When you have kids of your own you'll understand.
• When you have your own house then you can make the rules!
• It's no use crying over spilt milk.
• You won't be happy until you break that, will you?
• Beds are NOT made for jumping on.
• Cupcakes are NOT a breakfast food!
• Go play outside! It's a beautiful day!
• Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident.
• If you don't learn how to cook, no one is going to want to marry you.
• You're the oldest. You should know better.
• You can't find it? Well, where did you leave it last?
• Someone is going to end up crying.
• Go to your room and think about what you did!
• The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
• When I was a little girl...

Nagging Mom

• Clean up after yourself!
• Did you brush your teeth?
• Did you clean your room?
• Did you comb your hair?
• Did you flush?
• Do your homework!
• Is your homework finished?
• Isn't it past your bedtime?
• Ok, but first take out the garbage.
• Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?
• Wipe your feet!
• You made your bed, now lie in it.
• Don't talk with your mouth full!
• Be good.
• You could have called.

Lazy Mom

• Ask your Father.
• Don't ask me WHY. The answer is NO.
• Don't make me come in there!
• Don't make me get up!
• Don't run in the house.
• Enough is enough!
• How many times do I have to tell you?
• I don't care what all the other kids get to do.
• I don't have to explain myself. I said no.
• I'm going to give you until the count of three...
• I'm not going to ask you again.
• No.
• I didn't ask who put it there, I said "Pick it up!"
• You can't find it? Well, I can't find it for you I'm not the maid!
• Who died and left you boss?
• When did your last slave die?
• Pick that up before somebody trips on it and breaks their neck!
• Are your hands broken? Pick it up yourself! I'm not your maid!
• Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up?
• No, I don't know where your socks are, its not my day to watch them!
• You can't find it? Well, if you'd put things where they belonged, you wouldn't have this problem.
• Nobody asked you.

Confused Mom

• Who do you think you are?
• Who do you think you're talking to?
• Do you think I'm made of money?
• Who said life was going to be easy?
• Am I talking to a brick wall?
• All I do is follow you around, picking up after you like some maid.
• A little "birdy" told me!
• I'm not your cleaning lady!
• I'm not your maid!
• I'm not your waitress!
• No child of MINE would do something like that.
• Stop acting like your father!
• What did I say the FIRST time?
• At work my mind's on the children, at home I think of the office.
• You’re just like your father.
• Are you deaf or something?
• What part of NO don't you understand?

Chicken Mom

• Be careful!
• Call me when you get there, just so I know you're okay.
• Going to a party? Leave a phone number in case I need to call.
• Going to a party? Who's going to be there?
• Going to a party? Will the parents be home?
• I would have never talked to MY mother like that!
• Do not put that in your mouth; you do not know where it has been!
• Put that down! You don't know where it's been!
• You can't start the day on an empty stomach.

Selfish Mom

• I don't buy snacks to feed the neighbourhood!
• I hope you don't kiss me with that mouth!
• I just want what's best for you.
• If I want your opinion I'll ask for it!
• If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.
• I'm not always going to be around to do these things for you.
• Don't stay up too late!
• Do what I say, not what I do.
• I'm not running a taxi service.
• You don't always get what you want. It's a hard lesson, but you might as well learn it now.
• Just wait until we get home.
• Shut the door! I'm not heating the entire neighbourhood!
• So it's raining? You're not sugar -you won't melt.
• So what if Sally's mom let her do it? If Sally's mom let her jump off the Empire State Building, would you want me to let you do it too?
• Why? Because I SAID so, that's why!
• You must think rules are made to be broken.
• I don't care who started it, I said stop!
• Money does NOT grow on trees.
• This hurts me more than it hurts you.

Exaggerator Mom

• Eat everything on your plate. There are starving children all over the world who would be glad to trade places with you.
• How can you have nothing to wear? Your closet is FULL of clothes!
• Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back.
• If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times.
• Life isn't fair.
• Look at this room! It looks like a pigsty!
• There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.
• There's enough dirt in those ears to grow potatoes!
• This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.
• Turn off that light. Do you think we own the electric company?
• Well, people in Hell want ice water too!
• When I was young we had respect for our elders, now look at the world!
• When I was your age, I had to walk ten miles through the snow, uphill, by myself, to go to school.
• You kids are trying to drive me crazy!
• You'd forget your head if it wasn't attached to your shoulders!
• A little soap and water never killed anybody.
• Bored! How can you be bored? I was never bored at your age.
• Close the door! You don't live in a barn.
• You should have that phone surgically implanted in your ear.
• Do you live to annoy me?
• If wishes were horses...
• Well, I haven't figured out how to cook "cold" yet.

Picky Mom

• I said CLOSE the door, I did not say SLAM it.
• I'll treat you like an adult when you start acting like one.
• Don't pick your nose in public.
• Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been.
• Don't use that tone with me!
• Don't walk away when I'm talking to you!
• Don't you have anything better to do?
• Are you going out dressed like that?
• Don't run with a lollipop in your mouth.
• I don't know is NOT an answer.
• If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
• Look at me when I'm talking to you.
• Now, come back downstairs and go back up WITHOUT stomping your feet!
• Now, say you're sorry...and MEAN it!
• Say please.
• Turn that racket down!
• Watch your mouth!
• What kind of a grade is that? You could do much better!
• You can go out to play...after you brush your teeth and comb your hair.
• You can go out to play...after you pick up your room.
• You can go out to play...after you've done your homework.
• You just ate an hour ago!
• I don't care what "everyone" is doing. I care what YOU are doing!
• Pick up your feet.

Suspicious Mom

• How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tasted it?
• Do you think this is a hotel? You can't just come here only to sleep.
• I can't believe you can sleep in this filth!
• I can't believe you did that!
• If you don't do it NOW, then when are you going to do it?
• It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust everyone else.
• Little pitchers have big ears.
• What, are you kidding?
• When will you be back?
• Where do YOU think you're going?
• Who are you going with? Do I know them?
• Who taught you THAT? You didn't learn that in this house!
• You can't judge a book by its cover.
• You have an answer for everything, don't you?
• Are you lying to me?

Threatening Mom

• Do not make that face or it will freeze in that position.
• Don't eat that, you'll get worms!
• Don't go out with a wet head, you'll catch cold.
• Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again!
• Don't pick that scab, it'll get infected.
• Be careful or you will put your eye out.
• I brought you into this world, and I can take you right back out!
• If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll...
• If it were a snake, it would have bitten you.
• If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
• Don't sit too close to the television, it'll ruin your eyes.
• If you don't clean your plate, you won't get any dessert.
• If you stick your tongue out again it will fall off.
• If you don't stop crying, I'm going to give you something to cry about!
• If you’re bored, I can always find something for you to do.
• Never try on anyone else's glasses or you'll go blind.
• One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
• Only if you eat all your vegetables
• Over my dead body!
• Running away? Don't let the door hit you in the rear.
• Running away? I'll help you pack.
• Running away? Is that a threat or a promise?
• Say that again and I'll wash your mouth out with soap.
• Shut your mouth and eat your supper.
• You are going to get it when you get home!
• You had better wipe that smile off your face before I do it for you.
• Your father is going to hear about this when HE gets home!
• As long as you live under my roof, you'll do as I say.
• I'm doing this for your own good.
• Some day you will thank me for this. SMACK!!
• You WILL eat it, and you WILL like it!
• You are getting on my last nerve.
• I'm going to skin you alive!
• I've had it up to here with you.
• Answer me when I ask you a question!
• Leave your sister (brother) alone!

• "I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
• "That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
• "Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my room mates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
• "It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
• "Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
• "It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
• "I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
• "We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
• "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
• "That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"
• "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
• "It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."
• "You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
• "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
• "I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
• "What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"
• "She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."
• "I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
• "You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
• "I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
• "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
• "We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
• "I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're aking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll".

The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"

"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....

• I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
• I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves. I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.
• I don't mind the dust bunnies because .... they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
• I don't disturb cobwebs because . I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders.
• I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.
• I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way. He is an excellent designer.
• I don't put things away because ... my husband will never be able to find them again.
• I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
• I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".
• I don't stress much on anything because ...

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
 

Your Clothes:

• 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
• 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
• 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

• 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
• 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
• 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

• 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
• 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
• 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

• 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
• 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
• 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:

• 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
• 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
• 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

• 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
• 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
• 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

• 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
• 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
• 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

• 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
• 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
• 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

• 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
• 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
• 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

• 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
• 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
• 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

• I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
• I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.
• I don't mind the dust bunnies because .. They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
• I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own.
• I don't Spring Clean because .. I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.
• I don't pull weeds in the garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.
• I don't put things away because .. My husband will never be able to find them again.
• I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
• I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".
• I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

So she drove the boat to shore.