The reason a dog has so many
friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."
-Anonymous
- "Don't accept your dog's
admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann
Landers
- "If there are no dogs in
Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went." -Will
Rogers
- "There is no psychiatrist in
the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams
- "A dog is the only thing on
earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings
- "The average dog is a nicer
person than the average person." -Andy Rooney
- "We give dogs time we can
spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return,
dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made."
-M. Facklam
- "If I have any beliefs about
immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to
heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber
- "A dog teaches a boy fidelity,
perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-Robert Benchley
- "I wonder if other dogs think
poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner
- "Dogs need to sniff the
ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground
is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late breaking
dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often
continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry
- "And nobody who doesn't know
what soap tastes like never washed a dog." - Franklin P. Jones
- "If your dog is fat, you
aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown
- "Outside of a dog, a book is
probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to
read." -Groucho Marx
- "Ever consider what they must
think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with
the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must
think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler
- "Women and cats will do as
they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the
idea." -Robert A. Heinlein
Submitted by Erika, Fairfield,
Pa.
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Due to increasing products
liability litigation, the following warning labels be placed
immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
- The consumption of alcohol may
make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- The consumption of alcohol is
a major factor in dancing like a retard.
- The consumption of alcohol may
cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love
them.
- The consumption of alcohol may
cause you to think you can sing.
- The consumption of alcohol may
lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at four in the morning.
- The consumption of alcohol may
make you think you can logically converse with other members of
the opposite sex without spitting.
- The consumption of alcohol is
the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead,
knees and lower back.
- The consumption of alcohol may
create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and
better looking than most people.
- The consumption of alcohol may
lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
- The consumption of alcohol may
cause pregnancy.
- the crumsumpten of alcahol may
Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.
Submitted by
Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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Two lawyers had been stranded on
a deserted island for several months.
The only other thing on the
island was the tall coconut tree, which provided them their food.
Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to
see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer
yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't
believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and
said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right
now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly
climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a
naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.
The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely
lost his mind. But, within a few minutes up to the beach floated a
naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious. The two lawyers
went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been
on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long
time ...do you think we should, you know, screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced
down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"
Submitted by Rendon,
San Angelo, TX
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