Humor Additions for Friday, May 9th


    My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List 

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
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There was a man who had worked all of his life...

...and had saved all of his money.

He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, " Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well one day he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait A Minute!"

She had a shoebox with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man."

She said, " Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
 

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Driving to the office this morning on the motorway...

...I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new Mercedes doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!!

It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which, knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn me, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and disconnected an important call!!

Damn Women Drivers!!!
 

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Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
Frank Sinatra

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
Ernest Hemingway

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Submitted by Larry
 

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May 7th Humor Page