1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
    
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
    
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
    
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
    
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
    
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
   
   "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
    
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
    
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him! So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
    
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
    
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
 

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... He installed his software on the hard disk of my heart; All his commands are user friendly; His directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems of life, I will fear no bugs, for you are my backup; Your password protects me; You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies.

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He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.  The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari GTO. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produces the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then carefully drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and secures it there. Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Italian replies: Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Submitted by Pat, Blue Lake, Va.
 

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July 28th Humor Page