My Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow, because I
know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left
home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen
within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send
you the address because the last Louisiana family that lived here
took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to
change their address.
This place is really nice. It
even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though.
Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We
haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It
only rained twice last week; the first time for three days, and
the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to
send; your Uncle Billy-Bob said it would be too heavy to send in
the mail with the buttons on, so we had to cut them off. You can
find them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car
yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to
get me and your Pa out.
Your sister had a baby this
morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if
you are an aunt or uncle. It's the dangdest thing, but the baby
looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby-Ray fell into a
whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he
fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for
three days.
Three of your friends went off a
bridge in a pickup truck. Bubba was driving. He rolled down the
window and swam to safety. Your other two friends, Cletus and
Buford, were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at
this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown,
Md.
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