"This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Chiraq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash."

The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild.

"Jack understands full well that this one's a 'fixer upper,'" said Bush. "He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it."

The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of Louisiana.

"Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yum kom drabby sham!"

However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by Republicans.

"This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. "Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25 million dollars in pure profit."

"This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. "Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal. Plus, when the god-awful French are done fixing it up, we can easily invade and take it back again."

• Fisherman Hooked. Police Bait Line
• Trapeze Artist Suspended. Refuses to Remove Safety Harness
• Marathon Swimmer Gets Cold Feet over Arctic Swim
• Police Say Dressmaker's Face Altered. She Say's It's a Stitch-up.
• Weightlifter Benched over Unclean Jerk
• Tennis Star Hits the Net. Volley and Mail Returned
• Steeplechaser Jumpy over Hurdle Heights
• Shot-put Entrant Throws Weight Around. Now Very Bruised
• Trapshooter Given the Bird. Claims it Was an Egg.
• Jockey Posted at the Finish, Expects to Be Franked.
• Yachtsman Buoyed, Not Drowned. 'Glad to Be Alive'
• Cold Shoulder for Local Weatherman. Predicted Heatwave.
• Cameraman Gets Shot with Own Camera. "I'm Not Negative about It, Though."
• Fireman Gets Burnt. Found with Hot Stuff
• New Hurricane Names: from Now, Named after State Governors.
• Archer Targeted over Missing Bull
• Blue Cross Turns Red after Red Cross Gets Blue Gowns.
• He Said He Couldn't Face My Type. But I Do Every Day. I'm a Compositor.
• Percussionists Beat Drum for Rhythm Method

I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean "special" in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.

I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful stuff, and I didn't see it.

So let me take a moment to congratulate the President's strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls.

The unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest issue, those people changed history. The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that.

I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage* that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do. Thank you. Thank you very much.

*[Editor's note: OK, that's not really fair - I've read a bunch on this since the election and while the % of the youth vote did stay the same, that's because voter turnout in general was up... so more young people voted, but so did more of everyone else]

There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los Angeles. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state / blue state split.

The reasoning was this: We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about 'em.

We in the blue states are the only ones who've been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our name.

We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!"

More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.

Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear.

And you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have. Because we're "morally inferior" I suppose, we are supposed to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we've done just that.

It's not a ha-ha funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same.

I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will be no pandering. This time we will run with all the open and joking contempt for our opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite" and the "white-wine sippers. This time we will not pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as the people who devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and the world. They don't.

So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads... because we know better, and we truly believe that we can help your smug, sorry asses. Thank you, and may God, if he does in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.