Humor Selections for December 1st, 2006


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I hate this time of year because it's the season when the food police come out . . .

. . . with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway. 

  1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
     
  2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
     
  3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
     
  4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
     
  5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
     
  6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
     
  7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
     
  8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
     
  9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
     
  10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:

  • If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat & presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
  • Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
  • Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
  • For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
  • A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over & going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  • If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
  • Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
  • Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 & Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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From a catholic school elementary bible study test come the following ...

... They have not been retouched or corrected. All incorrect spellings are left in.

  • In the first book of the Bible, guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off
  • Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree, Noak's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.
  • Sampson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
  • Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
  • Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
  • The Egyptians were drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
  • The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
  • Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Getitol.
  • The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  • David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
  • Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  • When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  • When the Tree Wise Guys from the east Ide arrivd the found Jesus in the manager.
  • Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  • St. John the blacksmit dumped waer on his head.
  • Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained that man doth not live by sweat alone.
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  • The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
  • The Epistels were the wives of the apostles.
  • One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
  • St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.
  • Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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Strange Quotes on "Social Behavior"
  • It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. (Jerome K. Jerome)
  • Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off guard and allow you opportunity to commit more. (Mark Twain)
  • When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. (Winston Churchill)
  • I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
  • I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member. (Groucho Marx)
  • Those are my principals, if you don't like them....I have others." (Groucho Marx)
  • All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening. (Alexander Woollcott)
  • Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. (Mark Twain)
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Why your water bill is so large ... Download Video

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.
 

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A Picture Worth 1000 Words - Take 1  "Sad Kitty"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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