Humor Selections for July 19th, 2006


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Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and the other at the opposite end.

The bartender asks the first man what he wants.

I'll have a Frizzle...that's a beer with a splash of tonic, a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime."

Then the man at the other end of the bar orders. "Make mine a Frizzle. It's a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime."

The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the first man what he does for a living.

"I am a theoretical mathematician at the university."

Then he asks the other man what he does.

"Theoretical mathematician at the college."

"This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order a drink that I've never heard of. You have the identical profession and you both walk into my bar on the same day at the same time. What are the odds on something like that happening?"

Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion, nine hundred, and eighty-seven billion to one."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve ...

... frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
 

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One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt...

.... Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the fourth race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race!

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the fifth race horses lined up and place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the sixth race.

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent and watched the horse come in dead last.

Mitch was dumbfounded! He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. For the last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings too, thanks to you!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants; you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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How to recognize a really bad breakup ...


 

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