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A priest was being honoured at
his retirement dinner after 25 years serving the parish.
A leading local politician, a member of the
congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little
speech at the dinner. He was late getting there, so the priest decided
to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from
the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to
a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional
told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the
police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his
parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's
wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and
I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving
people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the
politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began
to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first
day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the
honour of being the very first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Don't Ever Be Late for a Meeting.
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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Stevie Wonder
and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar.
Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says,
"How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top
10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"
Nicklaus replies, "Not too bad. I m not winning as much as I used to but
I'm still making a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but
I think I've got that worked out now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for
a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all
right," says Stevie.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
"But I thought you're blind! How can you play golf if you are blind?"
Jack asks.
"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I
listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then
when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or
further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice,"
explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to
the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game
sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you
like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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There was once a young man who, in his
youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the
whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and
anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
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Sister
Mary, who worked for a home health agency ...
..., was out making her rounds visiting
homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas
station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The
attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait
and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she
could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the
patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it
with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across
the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm
turning Catholic."
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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The downside of wearing underwear
that's too tight ...
Download Video Submitted
by Dave, Bolder Co.
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Play at the
Beach with no sharks or dirty water
This locale is Japan. Here's the exterior shot of the building. Note the
surrounding area . . mountains, sea shore, golf course, residential
area. What do you think is inside this building?
Imagine a beach where the sky is always blue, it's never too hot or
cold, the water isn't filled with salt and pollution, and the surf is
always perfect - welcome to Ocean Dome, the world's largest and only
indoor beach; built in 1993.
Ocean Dome has its own flame-spitting volcano, crushed white marble
"sand", and it also boasts the world's largest retractable roof,
providing a permanently blue sky. Temperature, wind and humidity are
closely controlled to provide an ultra-safe "sea-side" experience. Every
hour, the volcano erupts and the hi-tech wave machines start up,
starting a few minutes of sanitized surfing. Entrance cost is US $50 per
person, which seems especially expensive given that there is a free,
natural beach only 300 meters away.
The roof is retractable . .
so the SURF'S UP . . .rain or shine!
When the roof is closed, you still get blue sky and puffy white clouds .
.
Can you believe this?
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, Ny.
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