Humor Selections for November 10th, 2006


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Two aussie guys are walking along a river bank when they come across a group of people ...

... watching a man immerse some of them in the river.

Spying them, the man calls out " Hey, brothers, come on down. I'm baptizing sinners, washing away their sin, just as the word says. Come on down, you'll find Jesus, you'll be saved!"

"What d'you reckon?" one asks the other.

"Yeah, well, it probably can't hurt, 'n it's a hot day an all, a dip in the river sounds good." So he goes on down and is soon being immersed.

As he comes up the preacher says, "Hallelujah! Have you found Jesus!?"

"No", replies the aussie, so he's dunked again.

"Have you found Jesus now?" asks the reverend excitedly.

"Nope, not yet," replies the guy, and a third time he goes down.

This time he's under the water for quite a while, and when his head bobs up the same question is asked. "Well, have you found him this time?"

"No, I haven't. Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there.

The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him. At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.

After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling. "I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.

"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. "You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.

"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."

"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"

"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.

At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.

"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"

"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering ...

... and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

 

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Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline
  • They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
  • All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
  • Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
  • You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
  • Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
  • The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
  • When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
  • The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
  • You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
  • No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
  • You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
  • All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY
 

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A bird gift ... Download Video

Also Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY
 

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Last day on the job ...

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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