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Redneck Valentine Card
Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Luv
Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| Late one night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.
They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they
served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five O' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness’s -- couldn't be
rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for
inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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The 5 questions most feared by men are:
- What are you thinking about?
- Do you love me?
- Do I look fat?
- Do you think she is prettier than me?
- What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the Man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent Woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
- Football.
- Golf.
- How fat you are.
- How much prettier she is than you
- How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you"
Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed Answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
- Yeah, why not.
- Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
- That depends on what you mean by love.
- Does it matter?
- Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
- Compared to what?
- I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
- A little extra weight looks good on you.
- I've seen fatter.
- Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
- Yes, but you have a better personality
- Not prettier, but definitely thinner
- Not as pretty as you when you were her age
- Define pretty
- Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be
prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not - don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (makes audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Woman: - - - silence - - -
Man: Damn!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Kate, San Diego, Calif.
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| In the hospital the relatives gathered in the
waiting room .. ... where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure,
very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity,
blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female
brains, because they've actually been used."
Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.
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The Devil made me do it
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.
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Little Sister's Jokes,
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Feb 12th Humor Page
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