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| A Scout Master was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.
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Military Words of Wisdom ...
- "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
- "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
- "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
- "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
- "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
- "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
- "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
- "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." From an old carrier sailor
- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
- "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
- "Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
- "I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
- "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
- "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
- "When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
- Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently
as possible."
- "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
- "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at
night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will
vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.
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| When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.
As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany
of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
Also submitted by Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Best Ads for 2006: Best Hair-product
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Feb 23rd Humor Page
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