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Comments
overheard at a Redneck Bridge
match ... (I know - Rednecks playing bridge is an oxymoron!)
- Son, you'd need a bodyguard in church.
- Shakespeare said it, sister. That's a double
you see before you.
- Honey, why don't we get together afterwards
'n count our points?
- "Hey, big boy, what's that you got in yer
pocket?"
- "That, ma'am, is ma jump overcall."
- Man, you aint in the pass-out seat, you're in
the plain unconscious seat.
- That hand'd look no good after 5 drinks with
the lights out.
- Course I drink and play. Gotta give y'all an
advantage somehow.
- Y' caint fool me, honey, I know where your
hearts is.
- Say, sweetie, you squirm in bed like that
too?
- Son, you double us again we'll take up a
collection for y'
- That king a spades smells so bad he caint a
had a wash in a while.
- Ya always play like there's 53 cards in the
deck, ma'am.
- You all come to this table, you count your
blessings, not y' points
- Honey, y' don' wanna watch the slaughter, y'
go an' see if there's a cold four-pack.
- Easier than brandin' a load a chickens.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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I was married 25 years ago. I took a
look at my wife one day and said ...
...
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a
small sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but at least I
got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde every night.
Now, we have a nice house, nice cars, big king
size bed and plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old
woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me
to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure
that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap
car, sleeping on a sofa bed and she would buy me a 10-inch black & white
TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how
to solve mid-life crisis problems.
Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg,
Pa.
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Last week a TV
broadcast a documentary about Cold war sense of humour in the USSR
They told this story which President Reagan once
told in public:
A soviet and an American are arguing about
liberty in their countries:
The American says: You see in our democracy I
have the right to go to Washington, To enter the White House, to smash
open the Oval office door and punch the President desk and say "I
don't like the way you’re running the country."
The Russian citizen answered: "We also have
the right to go to Kremlin Citadell, to open the door and punch the
desk of the General Secretary of the Party And "I disagree the way
President Reagan rules the USA …."
Or
" Two Russians were standing in a long line to
reach the butcher’s shop about 3 miles away The queue moving forward
at a slowly pace Suddenly one of the Russian shouts "I am fed up with
all this, it’s unbearable, I have to do something I am gonna kill
Gorbatchev…"
"Hey are you nuts says the other Russian"
"I am on my way says the upset soviet." And he
goes.
A few hours later he comes back in the row.
His pal had only made a few steps forward and asked "Did you kill
him?"
"No…impossible" answered his friend
disgustedly"
"Why?" Asked his friend
"The line is even longer this this one …."
Submitted by Yves, Paris France
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Business Rules to Live By
- If you can't get your work done in the first
24 hours, work nights.
- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters
from a kick in the butt.
- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
- It doesn't matter what you do, it only
matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
- After any salary raise, you will have less
money at the end of the month than you did before.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look
serious and carry a clipboard.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the
morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- When the bosses talk about improving
productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again.
Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
- There will always be beer cans rolling on the
floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
- Everything can be filed under
"miscellaneous."
- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the
beginning of a cocktail hour.
- To err is human, to forgive is not our
policy.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it
isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
- Important letters that contain no errors will
develop errors in the mail.
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the
work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
- You are always doing something marginal when
the boss drops by your desk.
- People who go to conferences are the ones who
shouldn't.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing
would get done.
- At work, the authority of a person is
inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and
look worried.
- Following the rules will not get the job
done.
- Getting the job done is no excuse for not
following the rules.
- When confronted by a difficult problem you
can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would
the Lone Ranger handle this?"
- No matter how much you do, you never do
enough.
- The last person that quit or was fired will
be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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The Urinal Is Too High
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by
two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to
learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the
bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the
boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was
waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told
her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the
boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one
holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice
that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was
staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."
"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding
Silver Arrow in the seventh.
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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The surge ...
Also submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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Jan 12th Humor Page
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