Naval Aviator: 

On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer ("Shooter") who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger above his head.. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy / Marine tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.

Air Force Pilot :

We've all seen Air Force pilots at the air force base look up just before taxiing for takeoff and the ground crew waits until the pilot's thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ass.

Army Aviator:

If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you will note that the pilot gives the ground guy a thumbs up before he is given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the ground crewman that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.

"Sure 'nough", was the reply, "I'll be just might glad to help y' out. You go an' enjoy isself."

The following night the doc returned, woke up his friend and said, "Well, Bubba, how'd it go? See anyone?"

"Man, you sure didn't tell me how busy this here practice was! The first guy to come in said he had a headache, an' I sure knew why, 'cause he spent all day at the saloon. Anyways, I give him some Panadol and he went off real happy. Next one in said his stomach was burnin' up like hell, so's I give him Mylanta, always works for me.

Next in was this redheaded chick, an I could see she no spring one either, but anyways she don't say nothin', just walks right into the surgery, strips off her clothes right there, lies down on the couch, looks at me and yells "help me! For five years I aint seen no man, no man at all."

"Oh, Bubba, that's some strange thing happen to you. I don't think you'd better tell me what you all did."

Bubba just looked disappointed. After a minute the doctor said, "So, OK, tell me then. What happened?"

"Man, I looked real hard at that cute gal, but in the end I did the only thing possible. I just put eye-drops in her eyes. What else I goin' to do?"

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

P.S. - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Accident Report - This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning.

This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..." As I lay on the ground in extreme pain, the bucked descended at a rapid rate of speed. That is how I lost 3 fingers on my left hand.

• He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.
• Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!
• His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.
• Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.
• This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take it all on faith.
• The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.
• Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.
• Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever.
• Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all directions - no way to stop it.
• I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin that I used while doing the problem sets.