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| Christmas with Louise
This article is true and was submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids'
stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll
only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line,
according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and
bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the
dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking,
but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty
hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his
pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination and found the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot amber to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
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Ways We're Different This Christmas
- Last Christmas we were thinking about all the things we didn't have; This Christmas we're thinking about all the things we do have.
- Last Christmas we were placing wreaths on the doors of our homes; This Christmas, we're placing wreaths on the graves of our heroes.
- Last Christmas we were counting our money; This Christmas we're counting our blessings.
- Last Christmas we were lighting candles to decorate; This Christmas we are lighting candles to commemorate.
- Last Christmas we were digging deep into our bank accounts to find the money to fly home for the holidays; This Christmas we are digging deep into our souls to find the courage to do so.
- Last Christmas we thought a man who could rush down a football field was a hero; This Christmas we know that a man who rushes into a burning building is the real one.
- Last Christmas we were getting on each other's nerves; This Christmas we are getting on our knees.
- Last Christmas we were giving thanks for gifts from stores; This Christmas we are giving thanks for gifts from God.
- Last Christmas we were thinking how good it would feel to be affluent; This Christmas we are thinking how good it feels to be alive.
- Last Christmas we thought angels were in heaven; This Christmas we know some are right here on earth.
- Last Christmas we believed in the power of the pocket book; This Christmas we believe in the power of prayer.
- Last Christmas we valued things that were costly; This Christmas we value things that are holy.
- Last Christmas the people we idolized wore football, basketball, and baseball uniforms; This Christmas the people we idolize wear police, firefighters, and military uniforms.
Last Christmas "peace on earth" is something we prayed for on Sunday mornings; Now it is something we pray for everyday.
Last Christmas people around the world gathered to celebrate family and faith; This Christmas people around the world will gather to celebrate family and faith.
And this year, as we continue this age-old tradition, We will understand, as never before, the meaning and magic of each.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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| Two dogs were walking down the street.
The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "Oh, I was just checking my messages."
Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square, Pa.
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Travel Agent's
Worst Nightmares . . .
- I had someone ask for an
aisle seat on the plane so that her hair wouldn't get messed
up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring
about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info,
she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and
then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who
wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of
the flight and the passport information when she interrupted
me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make HER
look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod
is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her
response; . . . click.
A man called, furious about a
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the
vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view
room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando
is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to
me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin
state."
I got a call from a man who
asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No." He said "But they look so close
on the map."
Submitted by Larry, Gettysburg, Pa.
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Signs You've
Grown Up
- Your potted plants are
alive. And you can't smoke a single one of them.
- You keep more food than beer
in the fridge.
- 6:00 AM is when you get up,
not when you go to sleep.
- You hear your favorite song
on an elevator.
- You carry an umbrella. (You
watch the Weather Channel.)
- Your friends marry and
divorce instead of "hookup" and
"breakup".
- You go from 130 days of
vacation time to 7.
- Jeans and a sweater no
longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
- You're the one calling the
police because your neighbor next door plays
- the stereo to loud.
- Older relatives feel
comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
- You don't know what time
Taco Bell closes any more.
- Your car insurance goes down
and your car payments go up.
- You feed your dog Science
Diet instead of McDonald's.
- Sleeping on the couch makes
your back hurt.
- You no longer take naps from
noon to 6 p.m.
- Dinner and a movie - The
whole date instead of the beginning of one.
- Eating a basket of chicken
wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle,
your stomach.
- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no
longer 'pretty good stuff.'
- You actually eat breakfast
foods at breakfast time.
- "I just can't drink the
way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to
- drink that much again."
- Over 90% of the time you
spend in front of a computer is for real work.
- You don't drink at home to
save money before going to a bar.
- You read this entire list
looking for one sign that doesn't apply to You
Submitted by Neil, Kennett
Square, Pa. |
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| Worlds Best Trick ... Download Video Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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Santa's On the job hazard ... 
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co. |
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Dec 5th Humor Page
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