She asks, "You come every day to the Wall, sir, how l long have you been doing that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."

The journalist is very impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.

The old man replies calmly, "Like I'm talking to a wall.

• Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
• You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
• The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
• When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
• The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
• If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
• Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
• Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
• If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
• Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
• Work is good, but it's not that important.
• And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• A good pun is its own reword.
• Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
• If life gives you llamas, make llamanade.
• Despite rumors to the contrary, a mime is actually a very satisfying thing to waste.
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
• My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
• I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
• I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
• If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
• Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
• Adolescence - when a lad forsakes his bosom buddy for a bosomed buddy.
• Banning the bra was a big flop.
• Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
• A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
• Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
• She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
• Without geometry, life is pointless.
• Dreaming in color is no big deal. It's just a pigment of your imagination.
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
• Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." 

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" 

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

1. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
2. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for car dates. Won't that be fun?
3. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
4. Here's a credit card and the keys to my car. GO CRAZY!
5. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
6. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
7. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
8. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
9. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. Here's $100.
10.  What do I want for Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, he might say it, but he doesn't mean it!)

• My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
• I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
• I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
• I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
• I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
• I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
• I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
• I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)
• I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
• I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."
• I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
• We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.
• Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
• I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
• I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
• I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.
• I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.
• I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.
• I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
• If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
• It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.
• When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
• When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
• Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
• I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.
• I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
• The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
• Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.
• I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
• When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
• I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
• When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.
• Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
• I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.
• I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
• I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
• I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
• Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.
• I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.
• I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.
• The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
• I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
• I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
• I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.
• I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"
• I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
• I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
• If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
• If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
• I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
• A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.