... around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."

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• Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
• At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
• One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
• Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
• You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
• Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
• You never know where to look when eating a banana.
• You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
• The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
• Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
• Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
• Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
• Old ladies can eat more than you think.
• You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
• Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
• You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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It's tryout time again, and as the title suggests, we’re looking for a few good parents to join our program. Teams will be selected based on the following criteria:

100 Yard Equipment Carry

Load the back of an SUV with 16 balls, 12 bicycle flags, one first aid kit, one bag of 44 scrimmage vests, one bag of cones, binder, and clipboard. This tryout activity evaluates a parent's willingness and ability to help the coach carry equipment from the parking lot to the field. Scoring (add/subtract all items which apply): +5 for carrying all the equipment to the actual field site, +3 for carrying approx. half the equipment, -2 for carrying equipment to the edge of the field but not to the location where the team will be training, -3 for dumping equipment just past the edge of the parking lot, +3 for carrying equipment without asking, +1 for asking "Need any help?", -10 for just walking by without asking or helping.

Goal Moving and Tent Construction

Equipment needed: Goals, tent and accompanying hardware.

Activity: Parent must move goal to requested area on field without soliciting the help of coach or players. If damage is incurred to field, -5pts. Second task, parent must assemble and raise the team tent in the shortest amount of time.

Variation (for advanced parents only): include additional unnecessary rods, nuts, bolts and other strange shaped hardware. Have parent assemble while wind machine is at the "Hurricane force" setting on the dial.

Direction Finding

Equipment needed: Printed directions to the location of a field in another city.

Activity: Parents must navigate to the specified field and arrive there by a set time. Points given for arriving there on or before the designated time. Points subtracted for arriving late or receiving speeding citations.

Bonus points given for noting the locations of a Laundromat, soccer equipment store, pizza parlor, ice cream store, and fast food facility near the field.

Variation (for advanced parents only): Deliberately introduce a typo in the directions, such as a game time of 2:00 AM, or "drive on Front Street for 11.4 miles" (instead of 1.4 miles).

Equipment Lineup

Distribute sports bags, water bottles, balls randomly in a 20 x 20 area. All equipment is marked with players' last names. On a given signal, the parent is to line up all the sports bags, left to right, by player last name. The corresponding water bottle and soccer ball is to be placed at each longitudinal end of the bag. Record the time. Style points given for neatness and cheerfulness. Points deducted if water bottles not matched correctly with bags and anyone notices that fact.

Variation: Line up bags by player birth date or by player genome type.

If tryout time is limited, pair parents up for this activity, though this will make overall scoring a little more difficult. Bonus points if you are paired with your spouse or significant other and are still speaking at the end of the event.

Phone Tree

Equipment needed: A list of phone numbers, a phone.

Activity: Parent is to call each number on the list and convey the fact that Tuesday's practice has been rescheduled to Wednesday, if it has rained 37 mm or more on Monday night; otherwise Tuesday's practice will occur one half hour earlier. Also the snack schedule has been shifted down one on the list.

Record the time required to reach all numbers on the list. +5 points for leaving a message on an answering machine, +3 for talking to an adult, -1 for talking to a non-adult, 0 points if no one answers. Extra credit if parent uses a reverse directory, drives over, pounds on door, and delivers message personally.

Schedule Organizing

Each parent receives a packet post it notes, napkins, envelopes, letters, notices, etc., each one containing information regarding soccer game and practice schedules, birthday parties, other athletic schedules, music lessons, school events for a player and his/her siblings. The parent must arrange all events in chronological order by sibling. Bonus points: +1 for using different colors for each sibling, +3 for assigning which parent has drop off / pick up responsibility for each event, +5 for forming a car pool schedule with other parents, -100 for complaining out loud about what a mess the soccer schedule is, -200 for getting together with the other parents to try and rearrange the soccer schedule to make it more convenient for the parent.

Sideline Behavior

Equipment needed: Virtual reality goggles, 3D body scanner.

Preparation: full 3-D body scan of each player, conversion of same into computer generated character.

Activity: each parent will be viewing a computer generated soccer game. The players in the game will include their own son or daughter, whose likeness has been scanned and made into a 3-D image. Each parent will be viewing a slightly different version of the game than that viewed by other parents. Players may suffer hard fouls, referee calls and non-calls, verbal taunts from opposing players and teammates, make brilliant plays as well as bonehead plays, score the winning goal, give up the winning goal, etc.

Evaluation: Observe parent reaction and verbal comments to the various events which occur during the course of the game. Pay particular attention to comments regarding the quality of coaching. Pass-Fail only.

Snacks

Equipment needed: Assortment of fruits, juices, candies, cookies, power bars, etc.

Activity: Parent must assemble a post-game snack from the above list of items. Points awarded based on nutritional content, how appetizing, and presentation. Points subtracted based on potential negative effects on players in the second half of the game, lack of nutritional content, and propensity to litter the environment.

And my personal favorite...

Gift Selection

Activity: Parents vie to produce the most elaborate, most expensive, and best gift ever for team coach.

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Dearest Creator in Heaven,
Give me strength to guide my horse.
Make my hands soft and my head clear.
Let my horse understand me and I him.

My heart you have blessed with a special love of these animals.
Let me never lose sight of it.
My soul you have gifted with a deep need for them.
Let that need never lessen.

Always let my breath catch as the sun gleams on an elegant head.
Always may my throat tighten at the sound of a gentle nicker.
Let the scent of fresh hay and a new bag of grain be sweet to me.
Let the touch of a warm nose on my hand always bring a smile.

I adore the joy of a warm day on the farm.
The grace and splendor of a running horse,
The thunder of its hooves makes my eyes burn and my heart soar.
Let it always be so.

Dearest Creator grant me patience,
For horses are harnessed wind, and wind can be flighty.
Let me not frighten or harm them.
Instead show me ways to understand them.

Above all, dear Creator, fill my life with them.
When I pass from this world, Send my soul to no heaven without them.
For this love you have given me graces my existence
And I shall cherish it and praise You for it for all time.

Author Unknown

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.

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July 23rd Humor Page