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| Two Aboriginal lads are riding along the Great Eastern Highway on a motorbike.
Their motorbike breaks down and they start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aborigines ask him for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but he will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is
unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aborigines he has to leave.
'Heyyyyy mate' they say 'gissa pucken lift'.
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.
The Aborigines put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he agree to take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which he replies - Aboriginal Eggs.
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
The Officer replies: 'I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already'.
Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed ... as apposed to Lindsay of Melbourne Australia! Go figure!
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| I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door...
..., whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.
'I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that ..... In case I need to fix it again?'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric...
Submitted by Cindy, Emmitsburg, MD.
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You know to change your vending service company when:
- His Hershey candy bars are green in color.
- The coffee has the consistency of oatmeal.
- You recognize his delivery truck as one used by the plumber twenty years ago.
- His sandwiches are unique, but cream cheese is not supposed to make noise.
- His potato chips are imported from Ukraine. Whoops! They say "Cowchips" on the wrapper.
- The bathroom next to the commissary where they make food has been out of soap for a month.
- You put real cash coins into the machine. You get slugs in the coin return.
- All of the freshness dates on the pastry items has been crossed out with magic marker.
- The freshness dates for the contests on the candy wrappers happened five years ago.
- When you call to complain, the number goes through to a Indian housewife in Bombay who only grunts, like those old 1-800 Sex calls.
- The hamburgers have been jammed into the hot dog containers.
- Your cold food vending machine secretly shuts off in the middle of the night to conserve energy.
- All of the ladies in the commissary have been tested positive for bari-bari.
- The green garnishment in the salad was supposed to be lettuce, not last month’s New York Times.
- Even the mice won’t eat the food coming out of your cold food machines.
- The microwave popcorn exploded without it even being put in the microwave.
- The dollar changer converts your paper money into shekels.
Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
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| I went grocery shopping recently... ... while not being altogether sure that said
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'Killer Chili'. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being
painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers
swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the
restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large
intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this
vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into
it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been
torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering
her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
Big Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud
and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal
assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow
walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ' Oh my Lord', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside
for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner
shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Food Town. I can't say anymore
about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store...
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
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| A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle... ...,
when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'
The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.'
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Talking Photo Booth - Download Video
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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With all the data coming back from Mars... ... you really have to do some digging
through NASA's website for the photos that haven't already gone to press. I was looking for more photos showing strong evidence of ice and found this. I don't think it's been shot with
the multi-spectral imager but it looks pretty convincing (to me, at least). 
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl. |
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June 2nd Humor Page
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